For the past few days, I’ve been racking my brain for a blog topic and drawing a BLANK. So I asked two of my heroic writer friends, Courtney Walsh and Katie Gansert, for help. Katie came up with the idea for this post and the three of us compiled the below list together. Please keep in mind that we love writing and publishing and that we were laughing
and only wincing a little when we brainstormed these. Thanks Courtney and Katie! Without further ado, I bring you….
From husband: “It’ll be fine. You get this crazy every time you’re on deadline.” “Honey, the internet’s not working.” “Honey, we’re out of coffee.” “Honey, we’re out of chocolate.”
From holistic doctor: “You need to give up caffeine and sugar.”
From industry experts about the type of book you write: “This sub-genre has saturated the market and sales are tanking.”
From your computer: The wheezing death gasp it makes when spontaneously crashing and swallowing your unsaved work.
From your mother and/or mother in law: “Who’s watching the kids?”
From other mothers: “Do your kids just entertain themselves all day?”
From kids: “What’s for dinner?”
From friends: “Are you sick?” (No, I’m a writer, so I often go without make up and dress in yoga pants and t-shirts.)
From a reader: “I read your book and I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but….” “I asked Amazon for a refund.” “It put me to sleep.” “Can you mail me a free book?” “This book isn’t as good as her other books.” “Predictable.” “You don’t look like your head shot.”
From a fellow author: An acceptance speech for an award you were both nominated for.
From anyone: “Were you drunk when you wrote this?”
From man at social gathering: “Do you get inspiration for the romance in your books from your husband?” (Wink Wink Chuckle Chuckle)
From your e-newsletter platform, the day you send out a newsletter: “You have 43 new unsubscribes.”
From your editor and/or agent: “You have no readership yet.” “There’s no hook here.” “I don’t understand the plot.” “These characters are unsympathetic.” “Can you cut this manuscript down by twelve thousand words?” “The Christian fiction market is tightening/shrinking/in a down-turn/dying.” “Build a platform! Platform! Platform!” “Jane Doe is the next Karen Kingsbury. You aren’t Jane Doe.” “The line you write for is closing.” “No, you cannot have your rights back.” “Thank you for your submission, but we’ve opted not to acquire your work for publication at this time.”
From independently published authors: “Indie publishing is best!”
From traditionally published authors: “Traditional publishing is best!”
From Cover Design Team: “I regret to hear that you have concerns about your book’s cover but we’ve decided to keep it as is.”
From travel agent: “By the time you pay for air fare, the hotel, the conference fee, and food, that three day writer’s conference you want to attend will end up costing you $2,000.”
From an author who writes for your publisher: “Thanks to my awesome publishing team for flying me out to meet with them, putting me up in a hotel, and welcoming me with this fabulous bouquet, chocolates, and a stuffed bear!!! It was so much fun to talk to the sales team.” (When you’ve never been invited by your publisher to do the same.)
From a new acquaintance who’s just learned that you write Christian Fiction: “Christian fiction? Oh, like Redeeming Love? That book was amazing! In fact, it was so good that I’ve never felt the need to read another Christian novel.”
Authors, what have I missed? What other things do you never want to hear?