A Mom’s Humorous “Shelter in Place” Prayer

ByBecky Wade
46 Comments

Hello, everyone! Our college girl came home from California and will be finishing her semester via online classes. So all five of us are sheltering in place at our home in Dallas, Texas.

I fully comprehend the gravity of the current situation gripping our world and I’m praying for God to display His might, His protectiveness, and His grace in these days.

That said, I’ve found it therapeutic to laugh. Have you found the same? After all, there’s a reason why no one coined the phrase “news is the best medicine.” Thus, I’m hoping to bring you a smile in today’s post!

A Mom’s Humorous “Shelter in Place” Prayer

God, help me not to gain fifty pounds due to lack of motion and proximity to kitchen.

You’ve clearly shown me, Lord, all the ways I’ve failed to train my children to clean up after, and cook for, themselves. May they spontaneously learn these things in the coming days without me having to break a sweat.

God, grant me patience when my husband loudly plays another episode of American Pickers and Shark Tank. Also, please make me deaf to the question, “What do we have to eat for breakfast/lunch/dinner?” In fact, it would be great if you could lower my family’s metabolism so that they’re only hungry for one meal a day.

I failed to comprehend 5th grade math when I was in 5th grade, but please grant me supernatural insight into it now so that I can help my child with her assignments.

Thanks for confirming my belief that I’m not cut out to be a teacher or a chef. Thanks, too, for invalidating my belief that there’s no such thing as too many days in a row of yoga pants. There actually is.

Make me thankful for the knowledge I’m gaining! For instance, I’ve learned that our ice maker creates enough ice for two people a day. Since there are five of us, I believe that means that our ice maker creates -3 people’s worth of ice. But since I’m sketchy on 5th grade math, I’m unsure of that.

God, thanks for Fortnite, that game I hated and said my child would never play.  It is now his only connection with the outside world.

Thank you for headphones, Lord! For so, so many reasons.

Praise you for the delivery personnel who bring packages to my door.  Their knock is the highlight of my day.

God, thank you for books that allow me to go to restaurants, attend large gatherings, visit coffee shops, and do all the other things I can’t do right now in my regular life.

Praise you for the doors on my children’s bedrooms!  Please make them thicker.  Sound proof, even.  And maybe turn the walls into rubber so they can bounce off them.  So long as I don’t have to hear what’s happening, it’s all good.

I’m deeply grateful for coffee, friends, Disney +, funny memes, and To Go food from restaurants. These are giving me life.

Oh, and thank you, sincerely, for the ability to snooze people on Facebook.

God, keep my dog from running out of energy when I take her for four walks a day just so I have an excuse to leave the house.

Praise you, Lord, for sterile latex gloves that also make good water balloons and keep children entertained for five whole minutes straight.

God, I’m grateful that my husband is still many years away from retirement because I’m not ready to have him home with me this much.

I know I’ve lamented the fact that I’ve never finished my ten year old child’s baby book. However, Father, this wasn’t really the opportunity I had in mind.

Lord, please keep my children and husband from discovering my secret hiding places: the closet, the bathroom, the car (still parked in the garage). I really need somewhere to go to eat chocolate and watch Netflix on my phone.

That reminds me, God! I’m thankful that people haven’t been stockpiling chocolate.  A lack of toilet paper is difficult enough.  A lack of toilet paper and chocolate would be unbearable.

Can you relate to any of the above, friends?

Thanks to fellow moms and writer friends Courtney Walsh and Katie Ganshert for helping me brainstorm this prayer. 🙂

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Becky makes her home in Dallas, Texas with her husband and three children. She absolutely loves writing funny, heartwarming, and inspirational contemporary Christian romance.

46 Comments

  1. Four walks a day ? We’re allowed one – which goes for dogs too, though the length doesn’t seem to be specified. Cats, as usual, under no restraint whatsoever, and look very pleased with themselves
    Netflix on your phone ? At home ? Thou shalt not covet, I know, but one day, in my dreams, we’ll get a signal. Smartest phone ever made won’t work where we live. Nearest signal six miles away, or up a mountain. Not sure either is allowed, new signs everywhere.
    Gratitude, of course, for the headsets from China, which link us to the real world ( if it’s still there?)
    Gratitude, again, for locked-in freedom to work on a book. And for a spring morning so perfect it doesn’t seem real.
    …

  2. Hilarious. I don’t know what American Pickers is and I’m scared to look in case I like it.

    Also – you missed coffee. A run on offee, chocolate and tp. That would be unbearable. I note no one’s hoarding broccoli or salad.

    1. Ha! American Pickers is a charming show. It’s just that the saying “too much of a good thing” is currently in play here at our house. 😉

  4. What a day-brightener! And interestingly, I had most of these prayers when Ken started working from home! 😉 So good to have something to make us laugh. Thanks, Becky (and friends).

  6. This is a day brighter!
    So many of these things are going on at my house! I bought a video online so I could figure out how to finish a t-shirt quilt I started upteen months ago!
    And when the fourth episode of Shark Tank was on I decided it was time to finally watch Pride and Prejudice with Colin Firth on the computer with headphones!! This after finishing all 3 extended versions of The Lord of the Rings movies which I had also never seen!!
    On a serious note, I have a HS senior and the heartache is real! ❤️Please Pray for our next two months.

    1. “And when the fourth episode of Shark Tank was on I decided it was time to finally watch Pride and Prejudice with Colin Firth on the computer with headphones!” <—- Now THAT is an excellent use of time! I'm going to make the re-watching of that a priority.

      My heart goes out to seniors (and their parents). I'll be in prayer, Melissa.

  10. What a great laugh! So many things are true. And if chocolate were on the ‘hard to get’ list, I would be in trouble, too.

    As a retired 5th grade teacher of 23 years, I think I could help with some questions if needed – LOL!

  14. Grateful to live in the mountains of North Georgia where it finally is spring, where there are no cases of Covid 19 to date and where social distancing is taken seriously. Grateful for your humor.
    Prayers for all my friends in areas where more infections are found.

  16. Becky, what a wonderfully humorous prayer and one that is heartfelt! Thank goodness my family never thought to look for me hiding in the car! LOL And so grateful for chocolate and your books! Re-reading “Sweet On You” as I have already blown through the first two books of the Bradford Sisters (again)!!! Already did the Porters (again) and now I wait for the new series by you and new books from other favorites! God bless and stay safe!

    1. God bless you, Caroline! It means a lot to me when I hear from readers that my books are keeping them company and taking them on “armchair adventures” in these days. 🙂

  17. Love this, Becky! As an empty nesting grandmother, I am really thankful for What’s App, Skype, etc. AND that their dad is homeschooling them while their mom nurses the newborn and I can just click ‘stop’ when their life gets too loud.
    Thanks! Laughter is the best medicine!

    1. Yes! I’m very thankful for What’s App, Skype, and the rest. Keeping in close communication with loved ones makes a world of difference.

  19. This is hilarious, thanks for the laugh! I can so relate to “God, I’m grateful that my husband is still many years away from retirement because I’m not ready to have him home with me this much”. Love my hubby but I needed a little more time to prepare for this, I’m used to having my quiet time! I’m now grateful that he goes fishing ALOT!!! : )

    1. Yes! I needed more time to prepare for having him home 24/7! (I’m going to suggest a fishing outing to him, by the way. That’s genius.)

  20. Thanks Becky for the poem…it was the highlight of my morning. I laughed out loud instead of crying like I have been doing watching all of my co-workers across the country care for these sick patients. I will definitely share your poem with my friends. On another note, replays of Magnum PI have been what my sweet husband has been watching…I had no idea there were that many episodes. 🤪 Raleigh our pup 🐕 knows my walking outfit and I think he even knows how to spell W-A-L-K now. Have a wonderful day. God Bless!

  21. This is SO SPOT on Becky!! Thank you for the laugh today!

    P. S. I LOVE my husband SO MUCH and could not live without him, however I’m so happy to learn that I’m not the only one who is NOT yet ready for him to retire!! LOL!

  26. After a stressful week trying to learn how to work from home, I told my husband this morning that we needed to laugh a lot today. This fit the bill! Thanks so much for the entertainment!

  27. This! I’m dying! Six of us stuck at home is getting a little too personal. 🤣 We were all so excited when the neighbor farmer installed tile in the field this week. It was something to watch! Desperate times, desperate measures. 😉

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