Like everyone else, I was heartbroken to hear about the death of Robin Williams. I remember first falling in love with him when he played Mork on Mork and Mindy. I remember playing with the other kids in 5th grade saying, “Na-Nu Na-Nu.” Hearing of his death was hard enough, but to find out he died by suicide made my heart ache.
For many years I didn’t understand the pain of depression, and then I had an opportunity to write an amazing story of a seventeen-year-old girl.
Kristen Anderson thought she had the picture-perfect life until strokes of gray dimmed her outlook: three friends and her grandmother died within two years. Still reeling from these losses, she was raped by a friend she thought she could trust. She soon spiraled into a seemingly bottomless depression.
One January night, the seventeen-year-old decided she no longer wanted to deal with the emotional pain that smothered her. She lay down on a set of cold railroad tracks and waited for a freight train to send her to heaven…and peace.
Kristen Anderson, Life, In Spite of Me
Here is a short excerpt from Chapter 1 of Life, In Spite of Me.
Numb. The cold Illinois wind chilled my body.
Numb. My mind, my heart.
At just past 6:00 p.m., the sky was black, and the icy January air hovered over the ground as a thick, misty fog. Snow clung to the dirt in patches, and my heart felt as dead as the wintry world around me. Silently, I trudged through the park and tugged my knit gloves tighter. I wanted only to be happy and for life to be a little easier, but everything seemed to be getting worse.
On one side of me, the park was dark and silent. Once full of life and laughter, my soul was the same. Play equipment, empty and laced with frost, sat motionless. In the other direction, lights from the town attempted to penetrate the fog. The idea of going home caused a heavy weight to sink in my stomach. I didn’t want to face my parents.
Or my life.
Cold seeped through my jeans and coat as I sat down on the hard wooden seat of a nearby swing. Frozen chains creaked softly, and my thoughts took me back to all the times I’d played at this park during happy childhood days—too many to count. Now I was seventeen; those days were long past.
Why does life have to be so painful?
I turned in the swing, twisting the chains above my head tighter and tighter. Then I released. My body unwound in a slow turn. If only the invisible chains wrapped around my heart would free as easily.
A car drove by, and my body tensed. The park closed at dusk. Policemen patrolled the area, and I knew if they found me they’d send me home.
I don’t want to go back… I just can’t do it.
I’d never hung out in this park at night before. I didn’t like being there, but I had no idea where else to go. I just needed time—time to figure out what to do next.
My gaze turned to the two sets of railroad tracks at the edge of the park. The first set of tracks was empty. A cluster of six cars sat on the second set. I knew the cops wouldn’t be able to see me there.
Sluggishly, I made my way over to the line of railroad cars. My eyes zeroed in on the last car. I climbed up the side of it and sat, dangling my legs. I’m not sure how much time passed. Maybe an hour, maybe two. The danger of sitting on the train car put me on edge. After all the years living so near the railroad tracks, I’d never ventured this close.
I blew warm air into my hands, trying to thaw them, but it did little good.
What’s wrong with me?
Everyone else seemed to be able to handle the burdens, the struggles of life, better than I could. All I wanted was to be happy. To have the perfect life I always thought I had when I was a kid. But my arms had grown tired from trying to hold my fantasy world together.
Lately, it seemed I couldn’t do anything right. I wasn’t there for my friends and family when they needed me. I was doing horribly in school, and I’d become a worry to my family. Now I was “grounded until further notice.” I pushed the most recent argument with my parents out of my mind. And then there was the pain that ran even deeper than that. Memories too painful to think about. I pushed them back below the surface, as I had for months. In the past year I’d started smoking, drinking, and partying with my friends on the weekends, futilely trying to escape the pain.
I looked down at the railroad tracks and remembered a time I’d realized the power of a train. A train would kill anyone in an instant. No one could survive that. If I ever wanted to take my life, if ever…that’s the way I’d do it.
That night, Kristen laid down on the tracks, and the train went over. She lost her legs, but amazingly her life was spared. And months after the suicide attempt she found a new life in Jesus Christ.
Today Kristen is a wife and a mom. She loves sharing the story of how her life was spared, but she’s also quick to talk about the pain of depression. Kristen remembers being in such a dark, painful place that she just wanted the pain to end. I don’t think anyone can understand that unless they’ve been there. I’ve never been there personally, but I understand it better after writing Kristen’s story.
If you, or someone you know, is struggling with depression—consider getting a copy of Life, In Spite of Me.
Also, here is a prayer for you:
Dear Lord, be with my friend today. I thank you that you have known my friend from the moment you created her in her mother’s womb. I thank you, Lord, that you go before her. I thank you that—even if she cannot feel it—you will never leave her or forsake her. I pray that you will hear the cries of her heart, even when she cannot utter a prayer. I pray you will lift her out of the pit of destruction and set her feet on solid rock. Lord, be her shield and give her courage. Heal the broken places of her heart like only you can.
(Based on the verses Psalms 139, Deut. 31:8, Psalm 34:17, Psalm 40:1-3, Psalm 3:3)
With every book, I choose to write it because a story has captured my heart. With this book it’s amazing to see how lives have been changed. It’s my prayer that God will use Robin’s passing to help others reach out and find the help and hope they need.
Now, I’d love to hear from you:
How has depression impacted your life?
Which of Robin William’s roles did you enjoy the most?
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Thank you for telling us Kristen’s story. I understand the ravages of depression because of family members.
You’re welcome, Meredith. I’m sending up a prayer for members of your family right now!
I am so thankful that depression is finally being talked about. Both family members and friends I know have battled depression, one who was successful in taking his own life, several who made attempts.
I think the thing that really strikes me, especially looking at the picture of beautiful Kristen is that the people I perceive as having it all together, the ones I almost envy, are often those suffering from depression. I wonder if that perception puts up even more of a barrier and adds to the difficulty for people with depression? Almost setting them up for failure, if that makes an sense.
Kav, I think you’re right. Those who “seem perfect” don’t feel they can open up to others. I agree that sometimes the people we envy (because of beauty or wealth or talent) struggle the most.
Kristen’s story is so inspiring. God can make all things new!
Yes, He can! Praise Him!
Tricia, I was very emotional as I read your post this evening.
Twenty two years ago, a very close young friend of my daughter, committed suicide in that exact manner!. It was so devastating for her family and friends and so hard to believe that it happened!
This lass was a beautiful young lady,was well liked by her friends, was a leader of a youth group and did a wonderful job fundraising around our local community and always had a smile for everyone.
Her circumstances were tragic as little by little, the pieces of the jigsaw evolved and slid into place. It is impossible to describe how we felt as the story unfolded. She used to stay with us on a regular basis and not for one second, did I detect anything was amiss. I chided myself for some after,in failing to recognise the signs, as I am a nurse and assessment is a vital part of our role!
My daughter was deeply affected by the loss of her friend but by the Grace of God our Faith prevailed.
My daughter who is also a nurse, has spoken to her now teenage children, impressing upon them to hold onto their faith and know there is always someone to help if problems arise and seem insurmountable!
I wish that my daughter’s friend could have encountered someone like Kristen..it may well have saved her life.
Tricia, thank you for sharing your Prayer with us.
Rosie
Rosie, I’m SO sorry to hear that! That young woman sounds very much like Kristen. It seems that sometimes those with mercy and giving hearts can’t handle the pain of the world. I’m thankful your daughter is sharing her story now.
I read your post. I too have been there. In 2007, my youngest son, Jeremy who was 24 at the time committed suicide. I miss him so much. Every day I deal with the struggle of losing him and of course finding him afterwards. Unless someone has lived through it they really can not imagine the pain of losing someone to suicide and how it affects the people left behind.
Karen, I’m so sorry about your loss. My heart aches. The exciting thing is that Kristen’s book has really helped many, many people.
I know of a few people who suffered depression so bad they did infact take there own lives and what it does to those left behind is so hard. Mum suffered a breakdown at one point due to things that happened at an early age so could relate to others who were depressed. Then the past year or so I have had chronic pain. We had an Aussie celebrity die due to depression and the doco on her last 6 weeks including her last interviews I saw myself in her. I realised I wasn’t just a little down I was depressed not to the depression state but was depressed. Thanks to my dr we had filled in paper work for counselling to help deal with the pain etc. This counsellor was able to help me understand I had suffered loss in things I could no longer do, Things that had been a huge part of making me, me. It was a huge help. I still have times I am really stressed when the pain isn’t controlled or the meds need changing which is happening at present, cant sleep and agitated but I am learning the signs.
I grew up with Mork and MIndy also. I have also heard friends say they are staying of FB etc at present cos of all the posts about Robin Williams, They suffer badly from depression and the posts don’t help. I hope there will be posts and follow ups showing how to help people with depression, what signs to look out for and what practical things can be done or even docos like the one we had here showing how much the lady was suffering which may help someone else (like it did for me) see they need some help.
Hi AUSJENNY! It seems you are up late too.!:)
From one aussie to another…, I say .thank goodness you had the presence of mind to seek help. Do you mind if I ask you in which State/Territory you live:)
Im in SA I wasn’t in danger of doing anything to myself but I was at a low point due to the pain. Just knowing why I felt the way I did and finding things I could do was a huge change.
ps was up as couldn’t sleep need the meds upped cos the pain is causing issues again and had a few restless nights.
Well you’ve chosen a good State in which to live.:) So do I ! Likewise… I was up because of my pain .I quite often post in the wee small hours! The Authors on this Blog are so special… a great comfort ,caring and very supportive!
Cheers!
Thanks, most nights I sleep ok but I have times when I struggle to sleep. the meds have been raised again and am really drowsy today. Hope it means a good night sleep. I am working out part of the reason for the restlessness and need to clean stuff is that I can control how I clean the area and what I do with it where I put it etc. I cant control the pain. Its like I need to be able to have control over something. I struggle with energy etc too. the meds have already made the pain easier to deal with today.
I suffer from depression and I had thought of.suicide in the past but then the Lord intervened and someone.interuped me and asked for my opinion of something and after all was done I thought about it and realised what a dumb idea it was.Now whenever I call a friend and she and I get to laughing and I forget about being depressed. If society would realize it is a very serious disease and not make it so taboo to talk about depression is also caused by other problems. If you k ow someone call them just to laugh together it helps some of us.
This post pulled at me so much. 8 years ago my daughter was dealing with having been raped by someone in our church we trusted. The depression was overwhelming for her as it was for us. She is doing better these days. She is married and has a daughter that will be 3 this month. It took me awhile but with God’s help I did overcome my anger and depression. I work at it everyday. I would so love to read Kisten’s story.
I need to find a copy of this book!…
My hubby suffers horribly from depression. Some of it stems from a rotten childhood, with a mother who used to tell him, “You’ll never amount to anything”, to his current medical problems. He is very often distraught. Right at this very moment, he is sitting in the chair nearby me, with tears rolling down his face, sobbing about how horrible his life is… Sometimes God gives me a wise word for him, but sometimes I just crawl up onto his lap & cling to him. It breaks my heart to see him go through this regularly. He is a good man, but nothing I tell him is enough to make him feel better. I just try to hold onto him & ride through it with him, to keep him here. This comes in waves. He has felt like the walls were closing in on him or that he was, “swimming in darkness”. He feels like, “a burden to this world”… It’s very often hard for me to understand, since I cannot identify with him at all. I wake up with a smile every morning & grateful to have woken up breathing… I only understand a bit, because I live with him & have seen him going through these cycles… & Even though I tell him happiness is a choice. He just can’t seem to choose it. Sad.
I loved Robin Williams & could never pick a favorite roll. He was great in them all & this world will miss him.
Make that, *role*. LOL!!
Thank you for sharing this story!
Thanks for that touching post, Tricia!! I’m going to get a copy of “Life, In Spite of Me”, I would love to read more about Kristen’s inspirational story.
My father has struggled with chronic depression since he was very young and now has stage 4 cancer, making his situation even more depressive. I can’t remember there ever being a time when he didn’t have a cabinet full of prescription meds – he has implied suicide often, but, thankfully – never acted on those thoughts. One of my childhood memories is of going with my mother to take my grandmother (my father’s mother) for shock treatments.
P.S. Post shared!!
Depression has had a different sort of impact on me. My mother suffered from it when I was a pre-teen and young teen. Both my grandmothers did as well. One grandmother attempted suicide and died as a result 2 months later. I have such a fear of depression that I have lived my life very mechanically. I am afraid of feeling sad or negative emotions and falling into a pit and missing out on my kids childhoods like my mother did mine.
What I have discovered in recent months is that to live life with emotions shut off from difficult circumstances, also keeps out the positive and good things in life. I have traveled a road of anxiety and insomnia instead. Having to face some of the things in my past and feel the accompanying emotions has been a road to healing. It is challenging and ongoing, but I am getting better and feeling more of life.
I have suffered with varying degrees of depression since I was six. I have been so blessed that even if sometimes I have wanted the lord to take me home, that he put enough hope in my heart that I never considered harming myself like that. I am so thankful the lord can take any situation and turn it to his glory. Thank you for sharing this story. It is a comfort to know that I’m not by myself that there are those who underStand.