With the recent release of Fifty Shades of Grey movie and its popularity, I can’t help but wonder about the long term consequences that such ideology will have on how people view relationships.
Already, too many couples struggle to maintain happy, healthy relationships. In fact, it’s become almost a monthly occurrence to get news of another friend or acquaintance who’s dealing with a spouse cheating or leaving.
Mutual respect, loyalty, honor, and self-sacrifice have become out-dated, forgotten, or tossed aside in place of short term pleasure that often leaves people feeling hollow and empty.
I honestly can’t help wondering where chivalry has gone, and not just the man-doting-on-the-woman chivalry. But mutual chivalry, the kind where each person in the relationship puts the other in high esteem, uplifts them, and makes a concerted effort to protect and cherish (both emotionally and physically).
Has chivalry become antiquated in our modern society? And even if it has, should it be outdated and on the brink of extinction? Should we be making more of an effort to reclaim mutual respect in relationships?
The kind of respect that does things for someone with no thought of getting anything in return.
The kind of respect that is graciously honest about problems instead of sneaking around and being unfaithful.
The kind of respect that is willing to sacrifice and see the needs of others instead of demanding our way and our own needs be met first.
As my teenage children enter into dating relationships, I worry about the influence of movies and books like Fifty Shades of Grey. I worry that they’ll see dysfunction as the norm. I worry that they’ll settle for a lot less than they should in their relationships. I worry that they won’t even know the meaning of chivalry.
Of course, I’m having candid conversations with my teens about all of these issues. Of course, my husband and I attempt to model mutual respect. And of course, I’m praying my teens work on growing their own character so that they can be strong and ready for whatever they might face.
But one of the bigger things I’ve done recently is write a young adult (YA) series that is aimed at some of these very issues. The first book, An Uncertain Choice, releases March 3. Since the story is set in medieval times amidst castles, knights, and ladies, chivalry is already a huge part of that era and thus the story.
More than giving readers a glimpse of chivalry, however, I hope the book sparks some discussion about what it means to have healthy, respectful relationships.
I’ve developed a FREE downloadable discussion guide (available on my website) that corresponds with each of the chapters in the book and provides many talking points that moms, grandmas, mentors, teachers, and youth leaders can use with the young ladies in their lives.
It’s not just another dating book. Instead it’s a fun and entertaining story that can hopefully facilitate discussion regarding what it means to truly demonstrate chivalry in our relationships.
One of my readers, Kerry Johnson, shared a blog post this week about chivalry, including a very sweet personal story of her own. I invite you to stop by her blog and read her post and her review of An Uncertain Choice.
So what do YOU think? Is chivalry on the brink of extinction? What are some ways we can make sure that we don’t lose it?
Jody Hedlund
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I’ve noticed it when I’m out and about. Men don’t hold doors open as much in fact they’ll bulldoze through to beat you through the doors. Driving the other day people would cut you off to beat you to a destination that they thought you were going but you weren’t. I try very hard to do things for others even if they don’t appreciate it. Jenny
The main hope for our children and future generations is to see how a relationship is supposed to be by the example set by parents. But so few families these days are normal functional families with divorce, never-marrieds with children, and unfortunately same sex families. Even the Bible is full of dysfunction. My children were on loan from The Lord and lots of prayer went into their raising. As my son gets married in July I only pray that we set the example he needs to be the husband our future daughter-in-law deserves.
To be honest, I think men would be more chivalrous if we women let them. You wouldn’t believe how hard it was to learn to wait at a door so my husband could open it for me – I still never remember with car doors unless he dashes in front of me to dive at the door handle before my hand reaches it. He knows that I am perfectly capable of opening doors and have been since age 2 or so, but for him, it’s a sign of respect to me that he opens them, and a sign of respect to him that I honor his wishes and let him. And it’s not just opening doors; there are many simple things of that nature that he likes to do for me that I could do do myself, and many ways he shows his protection of me, but ONLY IF I LET HIM.
If we don’t expect men to be chivalrous, they won’t be. Men DO get discouraged when their efforts fail over and over, and they will give up. But if we SHOW that we appreciate it, they will be encouraged. And if, as couples, we model it, then our children will do likewise. My in-laws are an excellent example of chivalry in practice, and both their sons have followed in their footsteps.
On a related note, I recently read The Good News About Marriage by Shaunti Feldham (WaterBrook/Multnomah), a short book largely comprised of statistics on how the state of marriage is actually a lot better off than people think. The book did not contain profound ideas on how to improve a marriage, and it doesn’t gloss over the fact that marriage is still under attack, but it was an encouraging read, offering a perspective shift and emphasizing that there is still LOTS of hope for marriage.
Rachael – Excellent point! In our drive to prove ourselves equal with men, we sometimes take thing so far that we don’t allow our men to be the chivalrous knights they are trying to be. And more – appreciate them for the kindness they bestow. I have to remind myself of this, too. Especially since I have two teen boys. I want them to be gentlemen and to treat women with courtesy and respect. Hard for them to learn this if I’m always bent on doing everything myself.
As a mother of teenagers, all I can say is – Amen, Jody. Amen.
I’m afraid that 50 Shades of Black is on the horizon. As in the days of Noah… We have to lift the standard higher.
I always think of Abraham and Sarah. They both made horrible mistakes but their honor and love for each other was great. Even in the mistakes they honored one another.
And I think of the heart of what chivalry is…a servant’s heart.
Great post, Jody. (And hello, fellow Taylor grad!) I’m so glad you’ve chosen to write this series for young adults–and those of us who are a little older, too! What we read forms who we are, for better or for worse, as you well know. When I was in a book club up in Alaska while my husband was serving in the Coast Guard there, a very intelligent lawyer from Boston told me she was forming her very own theology based on the fiction we were reading in book club. How disturbing! But at the same time, it shows us what a powerful influence GOOD books can have on a person’s worldview, too. So keep on writing, Jody!
BTW, I adore the image you’ve used at the very top of this post. I bought a print of this when I was studying literature in London (a lifetime ago) but now I cannot for the life of me find it! I’m so sad! I thought I had outgrown it’s fairytale-like essence, but I really haven’t, and I want to hang it in my office now! 🙂
I must agree with Rachel K that to a degree men are as chivalrous as women will allow them to be. That said we as women must encourage men to be chivalrous. Acknowledge when a chivalrous act is committed for us: thank someone for opening a door for us or stepping aside so that we can or first for example.
We must model chivalrous behavior in our homes and to our friends. Let others see us being respectful and caring for others. Chivalry is not riding in on a white horse and slaying a dragon. Chivalry is loving others as Christ loves us and letting them know it in the way we treat them.
Not always easy but definitely worth it.
Today people seem very self centered. I think that we baby boomers tried to give our kids everything they wanted instead of teaching them to earn or save for the things they wanted. We taught our children to be self centered and demanding. They took this training into their marriages. Sometimes I notice if I’m not careful that I too can become very self centered. Credit cards have also helped people to get the things they want instantly. But in a relationship it helps to put the spouse first. Even when I take a cup of coffee up stairs to my husband in the morning I’m showing him respect and that I care for him. It’s little things like that that helps to keep your marriages strong.
Today people don’t work much on chivalry. If for some reason they aren’t happy in their marriages instead of trying to work things out they work to end the marriage.
We can save our marriages by honoring the vows we made when we were married. By putting more effort into the marriage when the honey moon is over.
THANK YOU for pointing out that it should be a mutual thing. It bothers me when people say it’s just all about the man taking care of the woman.
What a great post. Thank you for speaking out against that filthy, disgusting movie.
I am very old-fashioned. My husband is chivalrous in that he works two jobs so I can stay at home with our toddler and our next baby coming in August. He works hard to provide for us. I serve him by taking care of him to the best of my ability. I pick out each outfit he wears for work the night before. I serve him tea and snacks all the time. (I mean, I truly to bring them to him.) If he wants a second helping at dinner, I get up and get it for him. I don’t want to make my husband sound like a slave-driver… he does not ask me to do these things! I choose to do those things for him, because it is one way I show him that I love him. (Before we had our son, I would pour his cereal and juice each morning, but since my hands are full, he has to do that now 🙂 )
Jody, can’t wait to read “An Uncertain Choice”. I was one of the winners of your contest, so I’m anxiously awaiting my book. I downloaded “The Vow” and I loved it… much better than I even dreamed YA could be. You are such a gifted writer.
Thank you for the very sweet words about The Vow, Courtney! I hope you enjoy the book just as much! 🙂
Jody, thanks for this article. I see the lack of chivalry in my area of Texas. But I also see a few gentlemen and ladies left out there, those who really do care about people and try to think of others before themselves. I try to model that chivalrous attitude myself, and I appreciate it in others when I see it.
Blessings,
Andrea
I really feel that the problem is our own attitude often. If we allow chivalry to take place we can find it. All too often I’ve seen men hold doors for their wives only to hear the wife reprimand said husband with a “I can get it myself.” What a crush to an act of kindness and respect.
This lack of appreciation for respect and chivalry doesn’t seem evident in those in their later years and it is so sweet to see a husband (who I know is 89) open the door for his wife (who is 86),
I was recently asked by an acquaintance if I had read the 50 shades book to which I replied with a negative. Said acquaintance then informed me that there was an excellent underlying message if you could just get past the sex (UGHHHHH!) My comment is everyone who picked up a copy after it was “featured” on a certain morning news show is just one of the cattle in the herd being lead around by the invisible ring in the their nose.
Thanks for the post Jody!
It sounds like you and your husband are doing an excellent job with your children. Combined with prayer, what you listed is really all you can do!
I’m beyond heart-broken by the content of Fifty Shades of Grey. I could go on and on about how it saddens me, disgusts me, and angers me… Have you heard of the movie Old Fashioned? (oldfashionedmovie dot com) It’s in theaters now. Love the tagline: Chivalry makes a comeback. 🙂
Yes, I’ve heard of Old Fashioned. One of my daughters went to see it last weekend and enjoyed it! I’m hoping to get to see it at some point! Love that tagline too! 🙂
Oh Jody, Such an inspiring post and so apt, as this is a topic relative to our family at this present time.
The age old adage is so true ..”Charity begins At Home.” I refer to the word “Charity” as Love but it also includes courtesy and chivalry in my view. There is no finer example ,than Corr 1: Ch 13. I know that whole chapter so well as it was our School Chapter and we had to recite it in front of our Parents every Speech Day.:)
However the impact it made on us as students, will surely be remembered by all who attended my School and I truly believe everyone should read it and take it on board, for it is a worthwhile lesson to be learned and will stay with us for the duration of our life time.
As you know, I have one large family with 5 Children and 11 “Grandies”, ranging from 19 1/2 down to 6. While I shudder at some of the things that I hear, I take great comfort in the fact,that each and everyone of them, has at least had the exposure to love, courtesy, and chivalry, even if they don’t always practise it… eg my beautiful son who was full of fun, daring, very outgoing, but also very loving, knew only too well, that I disapproved of some of his activities, when he was a teen/young adult. Peer group pressure at it’s best!:) Now to watch him with own two gorgeous sons aged 10 and 6, he has instilled the very same values into them, that he was taught. What goes around, comes around and I am so proud of all of them.
My husband and myself are so privileged that our Grandchildren are open to discussion and more often than not, will share with us, things that mean a great deal to them. Our eldest grandsons are very appreciative of the opportunities that have been offered, while the younger grandchildren are watching and learning. Nothing like having older siblings to copy.LOl
You will no doubt realise that I am focusing on our grandchildren in my comment as far as learning life’s very valuable lessons but that is because they are a similar age group to your children. My children are now their teachers 🙂 However we all have room for improvement and can continue to learn,no matter what age we are.
You are such a great and inspiring Mum to your children Jody. You reap what you sow and I am sure that you and your husband will enjoy the reward of unconditional love given so freely to you ,by your beautiful children. You have both set a wonderful example.:)
God Bless you and your beautiful family, Jody. Love to you all from “down under.”
Oh yes, I meant to say, I am certainly going to purchase your book , “An Uncertain Choice” for my two 14 /13 year old grand daughters.:)
Thank you, Rosie! You’ve obviously been a wonderful mentor and example to your children too! 🙂
Thank you all for sharing your thoughts on chivalry!!! I’ve really enjoyed reading each of your comments! It’s such an important topic to address (and not forget!) in this modern age that seeks to attack and diminish the true meaning of love. Blessings to you all! 🙂
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A very timely post. We live in emotionally hostile times and basic decency is the first to go. I was riding the train this week and nobody would stand up to give a pregnant woman a chair. The whole situation just can’t go on. Good look with all you are doing.
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