It’s a mother’s duty – train up a child in the way she should go so she can one day soar through life on her own. And while I can’t wait to see what joys and triumphs the future holds for my first little chick, my heart is aching at the thought of letting her go.
Next Friday, my oldest child, my only daughter, will leave home and move into her freshman dorm room at Abilene Christian University. Now, I can’t whine too much, because I have it much easier than many moms. She’s still in the town where we live. In fact, my husband and I both work for the university where she will be attending. Yet, every time I think of walking past her bedroom and seeing it empty, void of the mess I’m always complaining about–no more stacks of clean clothes that can’t seem to make it into her dresser drawers, no library books and cross-stitch projects littering the floor, no more discarded shoes and papers and random miscellany in every nook and cranny–well, I get a little weepy.
How on earth did my mom survive my leaving home and traveling nearly 1500 miles from California to Texas? No texting or Skype to stay in touch, just an occasional phone call from the pay phone in the dorm lobby. No going home on weekends or even holidays other than Christmas and summer vacation. Yet as that bright-eyed 18-year-old, I felt so mature and self-confident. I didn’t need mom anymore, other than for occasional emotional support.
What a sobering thought.
Bethany at 9 months
First day of preschool
All grown up and ready for college
Dressed as Princess Leia
She’s a smart kiddo, so I have every confidence she’ll do well. Graduated valedictorian, a national merit finalist. She’s majoring in Math and plans on getting two minors in Chemistry and Computer Science, just because she likes the material. And she’s starting with a bang – Calculus III, Organic Chemistry, Computer Science, Honors Cornerstone, and Honors Bible. Oh, and marching band.
- So, any of you moms of young adults have advice for a first time launcher?
- Any young women have advice on what NOT to do? I don’t want to cramp her style, after all.
My plan right now is to get through with a lot of prayer and open communication sans nagging. Not so sure how the no nagging thing is going to work, but I’m going to give it my best shot.
Proud to have raised a bookworm and math nerd with a spirit as sweet as they come.
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As someone in her 2nd year of university, what my parents are really great with is allowing me freedom. They ask me about how everything is going and are there for me if I need prayer or want to talk about what my worries re studies are etc. But they don’t push me. They don’t walk into the places where I spend time with friends inbetween classes and insist on meeting all of my uni friends. All they ask me to do is tell them when I am going out, who I am going with and when I’ll be back. If they feel that I am not focusing on my studies enough they gently remind me and I really appreciate that. So overall, just be there for your daughter but don’t stifle her 🙂
Great advice, Shannon. Thank you! Since I’ll be working on campus where she attends, my plan right now is to let her decide how much she wants to see me. I’ve let her know that I would love for her to drop by my office and say hi as often as she wants (hopefully at least once a week) but I don’t plan to stalk her in the halls around her classrooms or dorm. 🙂
Congratulations on reaching another life’s milestone. And may your daughter flourish in her college experience.
Thanks, Robin. I’m so excited to see where the Lord leads her.
The empty room was the hardest part for me, my daughter is so full of life and messiness, that having a clean, neat room stare me in the face every time I went upstairs was a struggle at first. However, seeing her happy and settled and maturing into a young adult count-balanced the sadness. She has just graduated and begins her new job an EC teacher this month. And like your daughter, she is not miles away, we see her often. And she actually wants us to come see her.
You give me hope, Rebecca. Thank you! I think Bethany senses the change as well for she has been exceptionally sweet and affectionate and helpful around the house lately, as if she’s soaking in as much of family as she can before she steps into a new life.
Good Morning Karen: I’m sure that your Post has God smiling and nudging you as well to symbolically, not leave your nest, but re-create, and renew your nest. It is especially during ‘transition times’ that he provides us with the opportunity to renew and in a sense re-create the relationships we have with other members of our family, in particular, our spouse. Karen, hang on to him during this time and explore new ways to discover and enrich your lives together. Thinking of you. The pictures and your words are beautiful! Wishing you a great day! Mary
Thanks, Mary. Yes, my husband jokes that can’t wait to kick all the chicks out of the nest so he can finally have me to himself again. Ha! I have been blessed with a wonderful man who makes me feel so cherished and loved while still being an excellent, caring father to our children. He will be my rock over the next few years, I am sure.
What a milestone! My oldest will be heading off to college in three years, so I’m right behind you. Those pictures of Bethany through the years were so emotional! I can remember when my oldest was a newborn and moms of older kids would repeatedly say, “Enjoy it! It goes so fast.” I really did try to enjoy all the baby phases, but they didn’t seem to go fast at all back then. The sleeplessness, the worry over nap schedules and whether she was getting enough milk, carrying her around all day in a Baby Bjorn sling. The days felt slow.
But then…. ZOOM! Now that I have a high schooler, a middle schooler, and a 2nd grader, I realize that the moms were right. In the scheme of things, kids grow up fast. Faster and faster, it seems, as the years stack up.
So true, Becky. In the midst of diaper changes and tantrums, the days crawl, but once our kiddos become independent young adults, the days fly by. I’m still in a bit of denial over her leaving home, but I’m excited for her, too. Such a mix of emotions. My two boys are both in high school now, so it won’t be long before my nest truly is empty. I’m going to try to enjoy every moment and pray that we will always be close as a family, no matter how old we get. 🙂
Karen, your daughter sounds like an amazing young woman. You have every right to be very proud of her and the parenting job you’ve accomplished. I read a book called “Parenting Your Adult Children” several years back and the biggest take-away for me was “Don’t give advice unless they ask.” HARD to do, but I’m trying to follow it.
Such good advice, yet so hard to follow. I will do my best to remember it, Lynn. Thank you!
Bless both of you. It’s very hard to watch them fly away. But my best advice is something you already know. Pray. Every day 🙂
Absolutely. My kids are always at the top of my prayer list. Thanks, Lenora!
Aw, Karen, it’s a place we all come to eventually, if we dare to have our precious children. But what great memories and pictures you shared. Now you and your husband will get to see Bethany succeed in her next leg of life’s journey. Blessings!
Thanks, Beth. Yes, Wes and I are looking forward to watching her strengthen her wings and fly. She is so bright, that I’m eager to see the career path God calls her to. As well as praying for a godly man for her to share the journey with. 🙂
As a former math major myself, my biggest advice is really for your daughter: make friends with those in your major asap. I joined a small study group right away even though I didn’t necessarily need it at that point, but the people in that group became those that I spent the most time with throughout college. It was the BEST decision I made that year, and it got me thru those tougher math classes-math I couldn’t have even imagined in high school. Having a close core of people who like what you like makes those nights slaving over proofs and conjectures immeasurably better!
Great, Shannon! I will pass that along to her for sure. 🙂
I agree with all the Shannon M. says. I lived only a half hour away and my parents were really good about not crampin my style too. In fact, I lived at home my freshman year and commuted back and forth. Even once I moved down, I was home a lot of weekends. At one point my mom was like, you don’t have to come home so often; make friends, find things to do. I think a part of me was scared to do that. I’m an introvert at heart and love my parents. It gave me the permission and courage I didn’t know I needed to stay on campus more. But, they were only a phone call away when I was sick and my mom would drive down with chicken noodle soup. So letting her know you’re there for her, and trusting that she’ll reach out to you is huge. I took a lot of comfort knowing they were only a phone call away no matter what.
The other thing my mom has been good about (and I’ve had to learn in reverse since my dad died) is that it’s ok to have and state your opinion, but you really only need to do it once and then let the other person make the decision. We’ve both gotten way better about this as we’ve gotten older. I have to trust her to live her life and she has to trust me to live mine. It’s ok to disagree, but try to find a way to support even when you don’t. She’ll know you don’t, and it will speak volumes to know that you’re there anyway.
Great advice, Katherine. Especially about only giving advice once. I’ve been known to nag when I think my oh-so-wise advice is being ignored. 😉 I already know that will be my struggle, and I’ve started working on it this summer. It’s time for Bethany to be her own woman and make her own choices, which means dealing with the consequences whether they be good or bad. Moms hate to see their kiddos suffer, but sometimes it is the only way to learn important life lessons.
I know there is some sadness but it is such a milestone! Congratulations!
Thanks, Jen. It really is more exciting than sad. I just tend to get a little nostalgic at times. 🙂
I have no kids but I have some do’s and don’t suggestions:
call ahead when visiting
1.still send care packages it’s nice to get something nice in the mail
2. I assume she knows how to do laundry and basic cooking (I realize she won’t need that right away (a 6 qt. programable slow cooker is nice for that first apt, btw)
Thanks, Jcp. She is learning the power of reading directions. She managed my sewing machine all by herself the other day by reading the owner’s manual. That’s my bookworm! Using her superpower. Ha! I am planning to send her regular notes and spiritual pick-me-ups throughout the year. Good idea about those care packages. 🙂
Eight years ago my daughter left home for college, about an hour and a half away. It was hard on her 12 year old brother to leave her in the dorm, too. I remember I cried, but tried hard not to till we were out of her room. A fun thing was she lived in the same dorm I did when I went to college. I felt a lot better knowing my sister was across town (and worked on campus) so she’d be there for Sarah since I couldn’t. I had to give her space because of the distance; it might be something you’ll have to work at to find that balance between being too involved and being too distant. I’d advise taking your cues from her. Both my kids are out of the house now. Texting is such a wonderful thing to help keep in contact with them. They may not have time for a long conversation or a visit, but they can send a brief text.
Thanks, Pam! Yes, I think texting will be a great way to keep in touch. Just a quick hello and how are things going every now and then. Great advice about taking cues from her. I’ll remember that!
When you get that feeling, do a little something for yourself. I suspect it might be harder for someone letting go of a daughter. It was hard enough to let go of 2 boys but they were 5 years apart. Then they are back and forth for about 5 years going through college.Her room may be empty but she will be back, if nothing more than maybe do some laundry or get a home cooked meal. Sometimes they just want a little advice, or more importantly a sounding board. I’ve always been glad to raise my boys to be self dependent in the end. I’m 61 now and my boys have been married around 10 years. I have 3 grandchildren now. I keep a room that was one of my boys as a guest room. So If they want to visit, there’s always a place for them to come. Even now some of their stuff is still in there. My grandson really likes the old toybox. And all of them like some of the old books I kept. I guess what I’m trying to say is as long as they feel welcome to come home, they will. And you are starting a stage of your life. You can use it to feel sorry for yourself, which I did some too, or look for new things to do, like have a date night with your hubby. It’s a time for renewal and change for both you and your child. Hope this helps you.
Thanks, Nancy. I love what you said about as long as they feel welcome to come home, they will. That’s perfect, and exactly what I want to promote. I look forward to the time in the future when weddings and grandbabies come along, but right now, I think I’m going to sit back and enjoy watching my daughter discover who she is as an independent person. 🙂
Not sure how much my experience helps, as when my son left home his drill sergeant had to have taken a meat clever to the apron strings. But with the empty room, that was hard. I kept the room closed for weeks since he rarely left the door open for he didn’t want the cats in there, and when I could finally walk in the room it wasn’t easy for I saw his teenage years there. Slowly I packed everything away for he wasn’t going to come back to that room, (I rent) for I was downsizing, by made it easier. I was packing away his childhood while knowing that he was growing into the man he was meant to be. It took a lot of time praying to stop missing him so much. I only got a few letters and if I was really lucky a 7 minute phone call every Sunday for the first 11 weeks he was away from home.
That must have been so hard, Janine. Having him so far away and with so little communication. My mother’s heart aches for you. I am blessed to have my daughter close for a while yet, but graduate school and *gulp* maybe marriage someday are coming. Who knows where she might end up.
I love the picture of the bird, just getting ready to leave the nest. “Geronimo!”
I know. I found that picture, and I instantly fell in love. What a cutie!
Bless you both in this new chapter in your lives! I guess the best advice I can think of is while you’re letting her leave the nest and “fly” let her know you’ll always be there for her to listen,give advice if she needs it ,or even just a hug. (My niece is in college,too. Although she’s still living with me I still can’t believe she’s old enough to go, makes you proud and maybe just a little sad at the same time. 🙂
Proud and sad at the same time – Exactly! 🙂
I can relate. Mine starts college soon too. She is going to commute the 40 minutes for now. I’m glad to have her home. But orientation was so fun that I wanted to move there. ❤ I will be praying for you and her.
Pray. Pray to know and believe that as much as you love her, as much as you’ve nurtured and taught her, that God the Father loves her infinity more. Pray to grow and learn to look forward to the next phase of your own life with joyful expectations. Pray for patients and understanding as your fledgling leaves changes and comes home again. Pray as you change during that time. Praying that when you come together again, you can be iron sharpening iron with one another. Pray that the gaps that will grow, will build incredibly strong, enduring bridges that will beautifully last a lifetime. Pray that each of you will enter this phase and continue to become who God has designed you each to be. Pray that your voice stays strong when she needs to cry, and your tears will be caught in the Father’s hands. Prayers that beyond phone calls, inspiring letters will be exchanged, the old fashioned way. Pray for the care package fund, that it will be available, inspired and wisely used. Pray for date nights to connect with your husband, beyond the relationship of parents, back to where you began, how you’ve grown and what you are looking forward to next. Blessings on each of you.
Thirty years have passed since we dropped our son at college. I still remember the feeling of the empty room.
Just trust that you both are ready, and enjoy the adventure. Blessings to both of you!