I recently received a note from a sweet reader. She complimented my books, then made the following thought-provoking comments. I asked for her permission to share them here, which she gave [thank you!], so here goes…
“I can’t imagine that any woman married to the men in your books wouldn’t be wildly happy in their relationships. Sometimes I wonder if books like yours are better suited for all the single ladies in the world who still have a shot at incredible men like these, if they really exist. For us married gals, I fear it can lead to comparisons with the real men in our lives and then disappointment in reality. I’ve wondered that for years, reading numerous Christian authors with powerful inspirational, redemptive stories but often depicting (nearly) perfect families and spouses in the process. As a Christian lover of romance novels, what are your thoughts on this?”
She’s certainly correct is classifying me as a Christian lover of romance novels! I started reading romance when I was a teenager and began writing it in the early 90’s. It’s my absolute favorite genre.
This isn’t the first time someone has asked me earnest questions along this line. They’re always good to ponder!
Typically, the concerns that people have about romance fall into two categories:
- Do romance novels give single women unrealistic expectations of love and marriage?
- Do romance novels foster discontent in married women because the real life men they’re married to can’t measure up?
I think, to begin with, that it’s helpful to understand the romance genre by taking a look at the definition of the romance novel.
According to Romance Writers of America a romance novel has:
A Central Love Story: The main plot centers around individuals falling in love and struggling to make the relationship work. A writer can include as many subplots as he/she wants as long as the love story is the main focus of the novel.
An Emotionally Satisfying and Optimistic Ending.
Because they’re about falling in love, romance novels focus on all the wonderful, tingly, early moments of interest/infatuation/attraction/love. And because romance novels always have optimistic endings, they carry with them the hopefulness of a fairy tale to some degree. It’s good for those who pick up a romance novel to understand that right from the start.
Gritty realism about the struggles that real life couples deal with inside marriage is not the goal of the romance novel.
That’s just not our genre.
The couples in my novels wouldn’t have the same type of relationship five or ten or fifteen years later. There are many wonderful Christian Fiction authors writing books about married folks. For example, Katie Ganshert’s The Art of Losing Yourself. And Kellie Coates Gilbert’s upcoming A Reason to Stay. However, I wouldn’t classify those as romance novels. I’d classify them as women’s fiction.
I work to craft heroes and heroines with flaws. I want them to feel ‘real’. But because the heroine must believably fall in love with the hero over the course of the story, you can bet I’m going to do my best to create a swoon-worthy guy. I hope to stir my reader’s emotion. I want you to fall for him, to root for him, to cry for him, to become invested in him. He’s as fictional as a Disney prince. But that doesn’t mean we can’t appreciate the beauty of his deep love for the heroine and his willingness to sacrifice for her.
So.
- Do romance novels give single women unrealistic expectations of love and marriage?
- Do romance novels foster discontent in married women because the real life men they’re married to can’t measure up?
My answer: It’s possible. They might have that effect on some.
I can say that they’ve never had that effect on me. When I was single, they provided me with a safe literary outlet for my love of romance. Also, in their way, they empowered me. Romances feature strong, brave, independent women. They depict a hero who falls madly in love with his heroine. So much so that he’s willing at the end to give his life for her. My family teases me because I emerged from my teenage years of romance reading with a more feminist bent than either of my sisters.
Now that I’m married, romance novels renew my appreciation of love. They help me look on my husband of 20+ years with fresh gratitude. Sometimes, when I’m grumpy and taking him for granted His Highness will even say, “You need to read a romance.” Ha! For me, they’re fun, entertaining, and uplifting.
I respect that they impact different readers in different ways, however. I hope they don’t leave any of you with a romance novel hangover. But they might.
What are your thoughts?
Becky Wade
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Because romance covers that “tingly” happy time, they capture that time when some of the annoying minutiae is glossed over. However, your male leads (and the leads in any good romance IMO) are flawed, and I think you can easily imagine that carried over into marriage. Jake may be moody and have some communication issues with is wife. Ty may take too many chances and be careless with finances or sometimes Celia’s feelings. Maybe Bo spends too much time in the horse barn because he can’t deal with the cross of infertility in his marriage.
Also, novels leave out the dull parts of life, otherwise they wouldn’t be interesting. In real life, those dull parts are where a lot of these flaws manifest themselves.
So, yes, I guess you could idealize the characters and find the real men in your life don’t measure up chiefly because they have to live a real life, not exist in the confines of a fictional world. (Which, by the way, is the case in ANY genre, not just romance.) But, it can also help you recall a little of the “tingly” feeling in your own relationship if you take the time to see the (maybe less dramatic) ways your husband shows his love for you.
Wow–great thoughts, Carolyn!
I agree with Julie! Wonderful input, Carolyn. Thank you!
Your knowledge of my heroes is spot on and you’ve hit on some great points. Romance novels don’t cover the annoying minutae or the dull parts of life. These things are a challenge to deal with in our daily lives (where we have to deal with them). They certainly wouldn’t make for good reading.
…”it can also help you recall a little of the “tingly” feeling in your own relationship if you take the time to see the (maybe less dramatic) ways your husband shows his love for you.” Yes! That’s what I experience.
I feel much the same way you do. I’m more inclined towards women’s fiction than a novel that’s primarily romance, but even still, I don’t think I have ever been tempted to think less of my husband because I am reading about a great guy. If I was, I’d have to cut out most TV movies, fairly tales, and Disney movies, too. 🙂 Not to make light of your reader’s concerns – I do know other people who struggle in that way, and maybe romance novels are not the best in that case, at least for a while.
I’d also have to cut out TV movies, fairy tales, and Disney movies, Barbara. Thanks for stopping by!
Great insights! I too, end up appreciating my husband of 20 plus years after reading a “happily-ever-after” book!
Here’s to long marriages! I’ve been very fortunate in my life to have been surrounded by long, long marriages. My great grand parents. Both sets of grandparents. My parents. My husband’s parents. Perhaps, because of their example, I believe that ’till death do us part’ is possible. The people in those marriages weren’t/aren’t perfect. But, though God’s grace, their initial romances turned into life long love stories.
Wonderful post Becky. I have to agree with you however that reading romance novels keeps the home firs burning. I’ve been married for 25 years and these wonderful stories remind me why I fell in love with my hubby in the first place. It helps me look at him with those same adoring eyes I had the altar all those years ago. One of my all-time favorite novel’s is Julie Lessman’s, A Passion Most Pure. Why? I absolutely LOVED the secondary plot line of Marcy & Patrick, the heroine’s parents. Julie paints a beautiful, loving and romantic marriage that faces challenges in several of the stories in her series about the O’Conner family. I’d like to see more subplots like this for us older gals too!
“I absolutely LOVED the secondary plot line of Marcy & Patrick, the heroine’s parents.” Yes!!! I, too, loved the plot line of Marcy and Patrick in Julie’s A Passion Most Pure. It was wonderful to read about the love between a couple who’d been married a long time and raised several children.
The reader I quoted at the start of the post said the same thing to me that you did, that she’d love to see more characters who’ve enjoyed long marriages. I’m mulling over the suggestion for future books!
KELLY!!!
Thank you SO much, you sweet thing, for your kind comment about Marcy and Patrick. The way you feel is EXACTLY the way I feel, too, and EXACTLY why I will ALWAYS have a secondary love story for an older couple in every one of my novels because why should the youngsters have all the fun???
Hugs!!
Julie
I agree with Kelly! Reading deep-level romances–and also writing historical romances for a traditional Christian Publisher myself–is something that helps keep my focus on my own love story with my husband. There’s no way I’d be able to write the level of swoon-worthy-ness that I do without first having the example of what Godly married love is from my husband. ❤️
I wish I had a penny for every time someone has asked me, “Are your heroes inspired by your husband?” My knee-jerk reaction is always to say no. My heroes are products of my imagination. They look unique. They speak and think and act in ways that are separate from my husband. But when I go beyond that knee-jerk response and really think about the question… then, yes. I wouldn’t have started writing in the first place except for my husband’s belief and encouragement. My understanding of HOW men speak and think and act comes from my knowledge of my husband. Most of all, as you mentioned Dawn, my husband has given me a real-life example of married love year after year day after day. And that type of love is the foundation for my books.
Interesting question, Becky. And one I have wondered about, too. I admit I have noticed that my husband doesn’t *quite* measure up to Mr. Darcy and heroes like him. But then again, I don’t measure up to fictional brave and beautiful heroines either, so that keeps everything in perspective. Unfortunately, it’s all too easy to take our spouses for granted no matter what we read. Thanks for the thought-provoking post, and the reminder to treasure the husband God gave me (though I may still buy him a Mr. Darcy-like outfit one of these days….) 🙂
Thanks for your comments, Julie!
“I don’t measure up to fictional brave and beautiful heroines either, so that keeps everything in perspective.” LOL! Quite. That’s a truth that’s good to keep in mind. 🙂
I think romances–especially Christian romances–are a good thing. No, they’re not realistic. Perhaps they are way too optimistic. But they offer hope for love and marriage, a counterpoint to what society–and even often the church–is saying about love and marriage. Everyone quotes the 50% divorce rate, including premarital counseling pastors, but there are two things wrong with that. For one, I don’t see it. Are 50% of all marriages so awful that people who supposedly are in love can’t stand to live together anymore? Of the 16 couples between my and my husband’s parents and their siblings, only two are divorced. That’s 12.5%. For two, what kind of hope is that for marriage? Yeah, you think you’re in love now but don’t worry, it won’t last. Where is faith? Where is hope? Where is love? Where is God in that picture?
I like to think my marriage falls somewhere between the world view and the romance novel view. I don’t feel like I’m missing out because it isn’t romance-novel perfect. And as much as I like Mr. Darcy, there are reasons I’m married to my husband and not a brooding aristocrat. But I like love stories; they offer hope. Sometimes I even learn something, since these are often being written by women who have more life experience than me.
But this is all coming from a young optimist who has only been married four years and reads a steady diet of romance novels.
I so appreciated what you had to say, Rachael! Thank you.
…”as much as I like Mr. Darcy, there are reasons I’m married to my husband and not a brooding aristocrat.” Well, since you’re not right for Mr. Darcy I guess I’ll have to take him. Oh? What’s that? I can’t have him because he was given in Jane Austen’s imagination to Lizzie more than two hundred years ago? DRAT!!!!!
You’ve given me an idea for my next blog post! It will be entitled, ‘Why Fictional Heroes Would Make Bad Husbands.” 🙂
Love that idea for a topic, Becky! That would be AWESOME! 🙂
Great questions, Becky. Very valid.
I’ve been a romance reader ever since I was a teenager, too, and I have always been a sap when it comes to love stories and fairy tales. And even though I recognized they were simply a fun escape and not real life, these stories still helped me keep an optimistic belief while I was single that there were good guys out there, godly men who would make loving, strong husbands. I knew I wanted a man who would respect me, treat me as an equal partner, and love me with an abiding passion that went deeper than surface attraction. And I found one.
Do we have our moments of struggle and frustration? Of course. But very few romance novels show a couple who gets along all of the time. The conflict is a key part of the story. Just because they work things out in the end and live “happily ever after” doesn’t mean her stubbornness doesn’t still get on his nerves or his highhandedness doesn’t occasionally cause her to lose her cool. They are still the people they were in the beginning of the book – their flaws don’t disappear because they walk down the aisle. The difference is that they love, trust, and respect each other enough now to communicate instead of harboring secrets, to seek compromise instead of demanding their own way, and to forgive each other when harsh words are spoken. That is the true happily ever after.
Playing the comparison game is dangerous, and I hope our stories don’t cause married women to see their husbands as lacking in any way. The stories are make-believe, but the message they convey about lasting love is powerful. That is what readers should seek to apply to their own lives. Just as we should never lust after another woman’s husband, we shouldn’t lust after an idealized romance hero, either.
After sin entered the Garden of Eden, God cursed Eve with pain in child bearing and being under the rule of her husband, but there was another piece of that command that made all the difference – “Your desire shall be for your husband.” I have prayed for that on several occasions during my marriage when I have found myself wishing my husband was different in some way. I recognized that the fault was not in him, but in me, in my unrealistic expectations. So I prayed that my desire would be for my husband. And God blessed me with exactly that. We’ve been happily married for 24 years and I wouldn’t trade him for anything – not even if my favorite romance novel hero came to life. 🙂
Great take on this topic! And praying to desire your husband – what a beautiful thing. That’s a prayer God is almost assuredly going to answer positively!
Thanks, Carolyn. You are so right. He wants our marriages to be blessed. And speaking as someone who has put that prayer to the test on more than one occasion, it works! 🙂
Your comments on this topic are so beautifully expressed, Karen, that I think you should become an author. 😉
I, too, came out of my teenage years of romance reading with high standards for a husband who would cherish me, love me, respect me, and remain faithful.
Your experiences re: realizing that faults weren’t always in your husband but in your own expectations spoke to me. I love the verse you prayed! I’m going to adopt it.
It’s a good thing I am an author since I tend to write book-length responses. Ha!
As a reader, I read to escape reality, just for a little while. The further away from reality the story is, the better. The same reason I enjoy watching Hallmark movies. Very unrealistic but they always have happy endings.
It doesn’t hamper my view of my husband. We are all imperfect human beings and all the real life trials we go through and how we handle them has only made me love my husband more. At this moment I’m recovering from a total knee replacement and at the same time my 80 year old mother fell at her home and broke her ribs. He moved her into our home without a blink of an eye, gave up his favorite chair and even his bed for her. He takes great care of us, cooking, laundry, dishes and anything else we need. On top of all that he does what is needed to help with his 91 year old dad in assisted living. None of this would be considered “romantic” but it only increases my love for him. He’s my real life hero!
Oh, Gail! What your husband is doing for you and your mother is the stuff that romance novel heroes are made of, in my opinion. That’s exactly the kind of thing I’d show one of my heroes doing because real love is action and sacrifice. What a wonderful testimony. You’ve got a keeper!
Hi Becky,
I have pondered the same questions for years. I have to say that for me I love reading a book that i can identify with. Wether its Christian Romance, mystery, etc. The characters that you write I have been able in some way or another to identify with. I think it’s cool when the guy in the story will do something like my hubby. I get all soft and love him more, and think Yes, I picked a good one. Life is hard and to be able to pick up a book that just reminds me of why I chose my hubby of 8+ years well then I’m glad.
Thanks, Eryca! Life IS hard. Marriage is hard sometimes. Parenting is hard for me just about every day. I’m with you. I’m glad, too, when I pick up a book that reminds me why I chose my husband.
Becky, great article! I totally agree with you. I’ve been married 31 years. Our lives are way different than when we were dating. This happened yesterday. I was out on our deck reading a romance book about a prince. At this particular point in the book I was totally swooning at this romantic scene I was reading. When, all of a sudden, my prince came walking by belching. I thought “yep that’s my prince.” Wouldn’t trade my gray haired belcher for anything.
I’m laughing!! Delightful story, Dana. You may not have had such a happy attitude about the belching, save for the smile on your face that the prince put there. Princes are handy that way.
Love this, Becky! I used to sort of struggle with this very thing, since some of my novels are romance. I wrote a blog post about this. I came to this conclusion…
That is why I write romance. To bring to light, however subtly, the desire we feel for love, and the one true answer to that desire (Jesus). Making reader’s hearts flutter with giddiness is just a fun little side effect. Here’s the link to the full post: http://katieganshert.com/katie-ganshert/the-greatest-love-story-ever-told/
I love how you showed the difference between romance and women’s fiction! Sometimes it’s hard to tell where a book falls. I absolutely love romance to be able to experience again and again the thrill of new love. It’s a sweet and relaxing escape. I don’t think it set up unrealistic expectations for myself as I was in my young adult years- rather it helped me stick to my standards to save myself for the one I was meant to be with. I’m blessed to have my own love story with my husband, and while we are in the “women’s fiction” years of our lives, I now enjoy reading books with characters more my own age (30’s) just as much as younger characters, if not more since I can relate to them. I definitely have found myself moving away from the YA and new adult genres I enjoyed so much in my 20’s- I’m glad to have the emotion and drama of that period of my life behind me and I’m thoroughly enjoying the confidence I’ve found in my 30’s 🙂 Thanks for your thoughtful article!
Great thoughts, Heidi! No matter where we are in our real lives, we can be a twenty-something falling in love, or a sci fi heroine kicking the booty of bad guys in another universe, or a male FBI agent, or a Regency Duchess or hundreds of other things through the power of books. In fiction, we’re not limited by our own age or location or job or family situation.
“Sometimes it’s hard to tell where a book falls.” I agree with you. In this post, I considered going into more detail about how to tell whether a book is a romance novel or a women’s fiction novel before purchasing it. But when I checked beneath ‘Product Details’ on a few books on Amazon, the genre designations as clear as I thought they’d be. Of course, reading the back cover blurb helps. And Fiction Finder . com is a good resource for Christian Fiction. If you go to Fiction Finder’s home page, then click ‘Books’ along the top, a page will come up that offers a listing of genre choices on the left. You can click the genre of book you’re looking for. Does anyone else have tips regarding how to quickly and easily pinpoint a book’s genre?
WOW, Beck, a favorite subject of mine, especially the thread on secondary plot lines that sweet Kelly Goshorn brought about regarding my secondary romance in A Passion Most Pure. Frankly, as a Baby Boomer, I was getting a little tired of the youngsters having all the fun (smile), so I determined to include the romance of an older couple in all of my books. Marcy and Patrick O’Connor — the mom and dad in my O’Connor saga — were the perfect place to start because their marriage is actually based on my husband’s and mine, so I knew FIRST-HAND some of the trials and wedges that came enter a relationship. And trust me, I SO wanted to convey how God took my lukewarm marriage to a truly blessed one by the lessons I learned through application of His precepts over the course of my relationship with my husband.
Becky, you said: “Now that I’m married, romance novels renew my appreciation of love. They help me look on my husband of 20+ years with fresh gratitude. Sometimes, when I’m grumpy and taking him for granted His Highness will even say, “You need to read a romance.” Ha! For me, they’re fun, entertaining, and uplifting.”
Oh, AMEN AND AMEN!! The year I wrote A Passion Most Pure was one of the most romantic years of my life because that story and the God-given passion within stirred my passion for my husband, both romantically and spiritually, and like you, Becky, Christian romance continues to do just that. In fact, I actually got an email from a big-name editor I’d never met from another publishing house who thanked me for helping to stir her romantic feelings in her own marriage. She claimed that reading about Marcy and Patrick’s marriage made her want to have that depth of love and passion in hers, so she told me she had embarked upon such a quest, and it was working!
What really excites me about that statement is that not only is it possible, but I believe it’s exactly what God wants for marriages or else He would have never said, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Don’t get me wrong, we live in a broken world, so I know there are marriages out there with awful abuse, verbal and physical, and truly demeaning situations, and this certainly is not an easy fix for relationships like that. But I do believe that a ho-hum marriage CAN become a truly exciting and fulfilling one with application of God’s precepts, and I am not just talking physically here, but emotionally and spiritually as well, because I am living proof.
Anyway, GREAT subject, Becky, and MEGA HUGS to you and Kelly for hooking me into this conversation.
Hugs!!
Julie
Can you all see why Julie Lessman is one of my favorite writer friends? She’s so truthful and at the same time so optimistic and hopeful. I’m delighted to see you here, Julie! I loved your words of encouragement. Thank you. They’ve inspired me today in my marriage! God bless you.
You all know I’m a huge proponent of “women’s fiction” novels that address realistic marriages and the romance that occurs post-marriage. But at the same time, I’ve read more romance novels lately, and I do like that they portray couples in that starry-eyed stage, because most of us go through that on the way TO marriage, you know? And it’s important to learn to discern the good from the bad marriage candidates. Romance can portray these guys and warn to stay away from possible pitfall situations in marriage (ie: controlling men, unsaved men, etc).
Yes, romance can make women feel their husbands are less-than, and that is something I have to watch for as I read. Some romance novels I don’t finish because they shoot my over-active imagination into high gear. But good qualities in men are good qualities, whether married or dating. I appreciate novels that steer readers to those right qualities and make married women appreciate those “love languages” their husbands may be speaking and they might not be listening to.
“I’ve read more romance novels lately, and I do like that they portray couples in that starry-eyed stage, because most of us go through that on the way TO marriage, you know?” YES! All the couples celebrating 50 years or marriage or 75 years of marriage started out with a starry-eyed romance. They were able to navigate through whatever conflicts and hurdles may have arisen at that stage in order to make it to the point where they could confess their love to one another. That’s what romance novels show. That stage.
I agree with you — there’s a place for women’s fiction novels that show the latter stage of relationships post-marriage. An important place!
Becky, this was so spot on. As a single woman AND a romance writer I see and understand the struggle, but I also love the beauty of the journey in the romance novel. I think for me romance novels (particularly those with a Christian thread) remind me what is good about love. If love is from God, then it is fun to celebrate and escape into that world in a novel! As a reader who follows Christ and as someone who is single, it is my responsibility to filter where I am at so that I can read and enjoy them in a healthy manner without creating unrealistic expectations that a guy can never meet. I’ve also started to read mainstream romance, particularly YA, and it has been fun and enjoyable and also eye-opening! It helps me know where culture stands on love and how best to meet that, engage culture, and then call them to something even better (the love Jesus says is good and of Him) in my own writing. Thanks so much for sharing with us!
It’s so nice to see you here, Kariss (fellow Texan and contemp romance writer)!
You said it so well when you said that romance novels remind you what is good about love. Hear, hear! They do the same for me.
Oh, how I love a Julie Lessman romance novel. She is a favorite friend and author. My husband went to be with the Lord on June 6th. Strangely, I seem to forget the rough years and am remembering how sweet he could be. Now I find there are many things left unsaid that bother me. He had been my caregiver for 15 years when our roles changed drastically. When he became ill with stage four cancer, I became his caregiver. There were times in our marriage when I asked Jesus to love him for me, until I could again love him for who he was. Yes, I enjoy Julie’s novels because they do end up with a happy ending….but the road to that isn’t easy for the characters. Lives change in her novels, because she writes them to realize a need for a change. Souls are saved and higher thinking takes place. Relationships are healed – and miraculously – all by God’s gracious miracles. As for me, I enjoy being reminded that romance keeps this world turning. We can’t live without it. There are many kinds of romance…..looking at a newborns face, or God’s beautiful scenery; tears can be romantic from happiness or sadness.
What an insightful letter that was written to Julie, and thought inspiring comments to think about. I’m so glad I saw Julie’s post on Facebook. Julie always makes me feel loved…not romantically, but personally. Perhaps she will be encouraged to write a sadder but essential ending to a romance – like when death takes a partner, child, friend or another loved one. That’s life changing.
Thanks for asking the questions, Julie. I hope you get many thought provoking answers.
Luv Ya,
Barb
I’m sorry for your loss, Barb.
The picture you paint of your marriage — the hard times and the sweet memories, the fact that he was your caregiver and then you were his — rings so true to me and echoes the classic marriage vows. For better or for worse. In sickness and in health. Your words remind me that we should all focus our minds on the good. Thank you!
Oh, Barb, I am so very sorry to hear about your loss! I knew your hubby was sick and have prayed for both of you during over the last year, but will continue to lift you up in this difficult time. My heart goes out to you, my sweet friend, and your family.
Hugs and more hugs,
Julie
I’m going to be the one who disagrees with “romance.” I grew up in a very dysfunctional home, and had no idea of what a healthy relationship looked like. When I became a Christian at age 25, I read the Christian romance novels available then, (Jeanette Oke and George MacDonald). I thought Mr. Self Sacrificing was going to make my life perfect. I didn’t realize I had to sacrifice for him, too. I demanded that he be the romantic hero. (Oops!) I now prefer Christian fiction of the type Nancy Rue, Rebecca St. James, Francine Rivers write: dealing with real pain, real issues.I guess that’s “women’s fiction”. I’m doing some serious work in “recovery,” learning to recognize my past hurts, the twisted ways I reacted to the hurts, and the long journey to set boundaries and grow healthy relationships. I can’t speak for people who had stable formative years, but for someone as dysfunctional as myself, romance certainly created unrealistic expectations that added to my dysfunction.
Thanks you for sharing honestly about your background and about how romance novels impacted you, Clare. I think there are many, many women who prefer books that grapple with painful issues. I can understand why. And I certainly accept that romance novels aren’t helpful for everyone.
May God bless you and your future.
Wow, Karen, your comments were powerful and spot on! Thank you for sharing!
I agree with most of the views expressed here. Most of us have the ability to separate ‘real life’ from fiction and read as a way to escape the real for awhile. Does it put ‘thoughts and ideas’ into our heads that are carried away? Absolutely, but yes, the novels don’t cover everything – just the exciting bits and to compare ‘real life’ to the novel would be hard, in my opinion.
As a single woman, yes, I read the romance novels (Christian ones. I rather detest the ‘dime novels’ where the relationships all strike me as so darned SHALLOW. They’re all based on physical attraction and you cannot see the relationship continuing after the covers are closed. Whereas in the CLEAN, Christian novels, the authors generally go for a more godly, realistic approach so when you hit the end of the book, you can see the relationship and lives of the characters going on long after you’re out of the picture. Even if its not all exciting.) and get a happy tingle while reading. I fall in love with the characters and live alongside them for awhile. Then the book ends and you come out of it. Hopefully with some juicy tidbits to add to your own life – a way of thinking you never thought about before, a scripture you never quite understood before and suddenly do, an idea of relationships you may never have known before, etc – but these are bits to be added to your life, not to distract you from it. The romance in the book is just a story – but it might help spark something if we ever get an opportunity – or allow us to appreciate it when it does come along. (IF it comes along. At my age, I’m starting to have big doubts that it ever will. People say ‘be patient, it’ll happen’. Well I’ve been patient and it hasn’t even TRIED to happen. I think I’m too ugly, or opinionated or something and men just run the other way after one look. Pfft.)
We also know that marriages need maintaining to keep those initial ‘sparks’ alive. I would think that if a reader is married, it might give her (him? Surely some guys read these books too?) – them! – ideas on how to rekindle things, or keep that spark going. How to appreciate the men they do have or bring new ideas in.
Its probable, to my mind, anyway, that each reader brings to it the problems they are already facing. If they are in an unhappy marriage – or a marriage thats already languishing for whatever reason – then reading these books might make them more unhappy. But I’ve been following some good, Christian websites for women (Proverbs31.org, Womenlivingwell.org, rachelwojo.com, etc) who talk about marriages from a more godly standpoint, and there is a lot we are ‘raised’ thinking about marriages thats wrong. Things that we women could do a LOT better for our men (yes, they could do better by their women too, but we can’t do anything about them, just us.) Sometimes the Christian romance novels hit on the same ‘thoughts’ and sort of illustrate it, giving us, as the readers better ideas of what WE can do to improve our relationships. (or make them better once we actually have them!) So in a way, I find it gives me, even single, a more realistic view of these relationships, so I can turn around and write them better.
If any of that makes sense. I’m not 100% awake here so the thoughts might still be jumbled. 🙂
Thanks, Elentarien! Lots of good input here.
I especially liked this point… “in the CLEAN, Christian novels, the authors generally go for a more godly, realistic approach so when you hit the end of the book, you can see the relationship and lives of the characters going on long after you’re out of the picture.” That’s true of what I’m trying to accomplish in my books. I deal with physical attraction, because that’s part of falling in love, but I hope to show that these people have built a base of love, honor, friendship, respect, and faith that a life-long commitment can be built upon.
Exactly, Becky. Actually I like that the more ‘modern’ novels have been dealing with physical attraction. Because it IS a real thing. Its there – and its not necessarily wrong. (Though the world sure portrays it being used wrongly!) I think God added that to make the whole thing more interesting. But yeah, like the rest of life, it has to be used properly and not allowed to run the show. But to see the characters go on to build a relationship based on MORE than that is . . .satisfying. Its also more real.
Personally, I think it can give those of us who were raised in a dysfunctional home a ‘better’ picture of relationships to base our mental images on than what was modeled for us.
I know what I am reading is fiction. It’s not real. I’ve never been bothered by a character except to say I’d like to find a great man like that. Since I read mostly Christian writers, I like some meat of the Word thrown in. Notes or teaching from a sermon are good. I like to see characters responding to what they have learned through the spoken or written word.
I, too, like to see characters responding to what they have learned through the spoken or written word. Yes! As much as I love romance, the spiritual storyline carries the power. That’s why I so enjoy writing Christian romance. I can weave faith journeys into the love journey. Thanks, Nancy!
Such a beautiful post, Becky – thank you!! I’m loving reading all the comments.
I can certainly relate to Clare’s comments, growing up in a dysfunctional atmosphere myself. My ideas of the perfect marriage and mate weren’t very realistic as a young woman, whether from the books/movies I’d read/viewed, immaturity, etc.. I have been divorced for many years (the first in my family – although not the last), however, I have accepted blame for my part in my failed relationships with men. As a person who prays about all things, large and small, and has a renewed relationship with God – I feel the main reason for my failed relationships was due to my not following God’s plan for my life at the time. God can heal even the worst of marriages, if both mates are willing to apply His precepts – however, neither of us was willing at the time.
I only read Christian books – I love reading Christian romance in both forms, light and those dealing with painful issues. While they both bring me enjoyment – those dealing with painful issues allow me to use my own personal experiences, romantically, and the wisdom gained by reading that form of Christian romance – to reach out to others. One of the many reasons I love Julie Lessman’s books so much – she and her books are a perfect example that making God central in one’s marriage can truly heal troubled marriages. giving any woman a mate more akin to those romance novel heroes.
Thank you for sharing your perspectives, Bonnie. Your words blessed me. Thank you!
This makes me think of “the list” all women have at one time before they meet their match. There are characteristics in men that a woman looks for but when she meets “the one,” she’s willing to overlook somethings on her list (just hopefully not the most important and fundamental ones like a relationship with Jesus). Romance novels allow a heroine to get most everything on her list (even if the character is flawed, it’s probably something down there on the list that while she may struggle with giving it up, will eventually because she’s in L-O-V-E). Being in my forties and single (never married), I love romance novels because they give me hope and they are a way for me to peek in on different types of peronalities and relationships.
Ha! Yes. I think it’s fair to say that a romance novel heroine will have to give up fewer items on her ‘The One’ list than a real life woman would have to give up. What a good way to articulate the differences between real and fictional romances.
What a great post Becky! The comments have been enjoyable as well.
I have read romance novels for decades. In the early days they helped me escape from the constant needs of kids, husband, work and life on the ranch. I appreciated the relief but noticed they often highlighted parts of my life I could do better. I would like to think that those things improved life for all of us.
Time has rolled on as it has a way of doing and I still love to read romance. Now I notice how all of us live and operate in a fallen world and think that romances help us remember how a loving God would want things to be if there was no sin to mess life up. Life shows it’s ugly side way to often and it is so nice to have stories end with hope.
Thanks for all of those hours of enjoyment.
“Life shows it’s ugly side way to often and it is so nice to have stories end with hope.” It IS indeed nice to read a story that ends in hope! I only have a limited amount of time for reading and TV and movies these days. I tend to opt for lighter, more hopeful fare that leaves me with a warm glow and allows me to sleep at night. 🙂
I love reading books by you, Becky, and many of the commenters above! 🙂
I didn’t notice this idea anywhere in the thread, although I could have missed it…
That pure, completely self-sacrificing love that the hero has for the heroine…that’s what Christ has for us. It is unrealistic to imagine that any man in a fallen world can pull off that kind of love all the time (although it IS nice to dream hehe), but a perfect God can and does. That’s the truth I hope readers of Christian fiction of any type leave with.
I’m so glad you pointed this out, Marley! You’re right. The love stories between a man and woman depicted in our books can definitely be seen as a metaphor for God’s love for us, just as the scriptures say. I, too, hope that readers of Christian fiction leave each story with a fresh appreciation of God’s love.
Thanks for stopping by and for reading my books!
I read lots of Christian Romance novels before I was married one month before I was 26. No book can use words to write how much I love my hubby to whom I have been married almost 14 years! It’s been lovely and beautiful. I’m disabled. I never expected marriage, but God created a man that needed love. That I give him with all my being.
The romance novels are sweet and I enjoy them, but my marriage and what all we have experienced together is better then any book I’ve read. The romance doesn’t end at marriage…but continues into a stronger bond making each into one. I’ve never read one and wished my life different. God has written my story, and I’m happy, content, and oh, so much in love! 🙂
It’s always a treat to hear from you, Rachael! Your real life love story never fails to inspire me.
God writes great stories…not that everything is perfect, but he continually shows his loving kindness in many things we don’t deserve. My hubby is currently working 6:30 PM to 8:30 AM seven days a week for blueberry harvest. I can’t tell you the thrill my heart gets when sometime during that time he sends me a text! My heart jumps and my face smiles. God is so very good! 🙂
Found this conversation because author Julie Lessman shouted it out on Facebook — something like “there’s a wonderful conversation going on over at Becky Wade’s blog.” No exaggeration there.
It’s kind of funny, because just last night I insisted my husband pose with me with a small bottle of Coke labeled with the word “hero.” Our little “pose for the camera kiss” is now my FB profile photo. And yes, my husband is my hero. And no, he’s not perfect. And neither am I. We both got over those illusions years ago — and decided to love each other anyway. And that is what married love is about.
As a romance author, that’s also what I write about. I like to say “there’s more to romance than the fairy tales tell us.” Meaning: there’s more to romance than happily ever after. Of course, most romance novels stop at the happily ever after. But for those of us who try to write real romances (loved when you said that Becky) — who try to show that relationships are messy, not perfect — readers get a glimpse that happily ever after won’t be a bit of Disney magic.
My heroes and heroines face struggles along the way to falling in love — and often the biggest obstacles are themselves. Their own wounds, lies, and fears. They either need to grow up — and to do that takes honesty and getting to know who they are and who God is.
After all, that’s how romance happened for me and my husband … and so that’s how I write it and keep it real. And most of the authors who write romances I read and remember long after I reach The End do the very same thing.
Hi, Beth! It’s so nice to see you here.
“My heroes and heroines face struggles along the way to falling in love — and often the biggest obstacles are themselves.” So true! In fiction, just like in our real lives, WE are often the ones who get in the way of our own contentment with ourselves, our relationships. our careers. It’s easier to blame (as I’m often pointing out to my teen) than to take responsibility. I loved it when you said that you and your husband aren’t perfect, you got over that illusion, and decided to love each other anyway.
As a reader of romance novels for a few years and a young adult who has never been in a relationship, this is simply my experience. Personally, I don’t believe my reading had inspired unrealistic expectations. Though I will say that I believe it may have raised my standards. For example, Dee Henderson is one of my favorite authors (I have many favorites) and the men in her books are always strong, both in stature and faith. They look to God first and endeavor to grow in their faith, while also encouraging their lady’s faith. Is this a high expectation? Yes, but I truly want that in any future relationship. I want someone who will challenge me, but also walk beside me and be candid with his doubts and fears.
But, I don’t feel that’s unrealistic. I know relationships are hard, they take a lot of work, they require your all and then some. I would say that romance novels have given me some of that perspective. I might sigh while reading and wish their were guys like the heroes in my own life, but I don’t long for a relationship exactly like that, because I’m fully aware it’s fiction. Does that make any sense?
Thanks for sharing your experience, Sarah!
Yes, I do think that reading romance can encourage a woman to raise her standards for the men she dates. (Not in an impossible, no-human-could-ever-achieve-this way but in a way that’s helpful and will set the relationship that follows up for success). Romance novels had this effect on me! There was no way I was going to date, for example, someone who didn’t treat me well.
I grew up on Barbara Cartland romance novels in the 1970’s. Talk about unrealistic heroes and heroines, but I LOVED them. I also read Harlequins as fast as some eat a bag of chips. What I found, looking back some 40+ years later, is that I had high standards for what I expected from those I dated. (Later at Class Reunions men from my graduating class told me they were terrified of me) – What? Little ole me?
I met my real life hero and it was love at first thirty sights or so….. and he is my true romance hero. He’s alpha enough to make me want to tear out my hair, but romantic enough that sometimes he brings me to tears with his ‘soft’ side. I don’t think I’d have accepted anything else in life. I believed in having a partner who, after God, puts me first, just as I put him first.
Almost thirty-five years later, after the kids were raised and grandkids now fill our days, I still love reading a good love story – because yes – dreams do come true.
I’m with you, Sue! From the time I was introduced to them I just loved romances. They were my cup of tea!
“I don’t think I’d have accepted anything else in life. I believed in having a partner who, after God, puts me first, just as I put him first.” Yes! This echoes my sentiments re: the kind of man I wanted.
Growing up as an unbeliever, I did not know one single happily married couple. My grandparents, parents, and adult siblings were all either very unhappily married or divorced. Marriage was not something I aspired to, rather it was something to be avoided. I considered romance novels to be a happy fiction with a guaranteed happy ending- a diversion from real life.
Now that I have been happily married for over 20 years, reading them makes me appreciate my husband, who is a sweet Christian man.
I can definitely see why romance novels would appear to have little overlap with real life to someone who’d not grown up around the examples of happy marriages. It’s wonderful to hear about your long and happy marriage! God bless you and your husband.
Being a single twenty-something Christian woman who has never entered a romantic relationship (yet!) myself I absolutely adore Christian Romance novels. And I echo Sarah’s sentiments, “Personally, I don’t believe my reading had inspired unrealistic expectations. Though I will say that I believe it may have raised my standards.” These are my thoughts exactly.
Thanks for that, Alyssa-Faith! I’m so pleased to know that romance novels are (as I’d hoped) having a positive impact on so many single and married women.
I think Christian romance does elevate the idea of what a true romance looks like as far as the standards women accept. I hope it serves as a reminder that women never should “settle” for less than God’s best.
I also find that they are written so the hero and heroine are perfectly compatible, not perfect. They have flaws, disagreements, and baggage, but work out those issues together. That’s what builds the romance for me, just as it does with the dear old couples I’m privileged to know in real life.
And, as a contented old maid 🙂 I often consider what that hero would be like to deal with in real life. UGH! Much more fun to watch the paperback heroine deal with him!
“I also find that they are written so the hero and heroine are perfectly compatible, not perfect.” Great point! Yes, in the best romance novels, we the reader can see fairly early on (long before the characters can see it) that the hero and heroine are perfect for each other. Even though they’re flawed, they’re a match. And you’re right — that’s a great mirror of what real life should look like according to God’s plan. If he intends marriage for you, He’ll bring his best to you. His best won’t be perfect. But in His divine way, God will have made him ideal *for you*.
I’m late to this conversation, Becky, but I loved reading your post and all the comments and replies. Some really profound thoughts on Christian romance. My parents have always had a wonderful, godly marriage, so of course, they were my first and greatest example of what a true romance (with all its flaws) looks like. But I read all of Jeanette Oke’s novels as a young married woman, and I just remember those books inspiring me to be a better wife, a better daughter, sister, mommy—a better woman. The heroes and heroines in Oke’s books weren’t perfect, but they were good, and trying to live as a Christian should, and I learned from them. Nowadays I prefer women’s fiction to romance, simply because I’m in a season of life where I’m LIVING a wonderful (not perfect) romance with my husband, but I want to learn how others deal with problems and issues that arise in marriage and other precious relationships.
I read alot and just about anything I can get my hands on. Romance, Mystery, Western, Young Adult. I found there are alot of great writers out there.
I, too, am late to this important discussion, but I’d like to leave my two cents worth. I like to say I write “love stories” heavy on the romance because I don’t necessarily stick to the strict parameters associated with romance. Becky, your answers to this significant question were truthful and authentic. I’ve heard this question to varying degrees within the church for many years – sometimes with extreme (and unrealistic) instructions to young people.. Don’t you think that most women choose to marry their husbands because they inspire those wonderful feelings of romantic love? I’m not suggesting that’s the sole reason, but certainly it’s important, right? To be able to give yourself to another takes major attraction so it’s natural to create characters who experience that.
If Prince Charming turns out not to be so after several years of marriage, that’s certainly not the fault of a romance novel, and usually it’s not just his fault either. Like political candidates you can see the flaws if you want to notice them. Marriage is a decision to work around or with each others’ flaws. Romance novels do remind us why we married in the first place, and it isn’t the fault of a novel if a woman chooses to engulf herself in a story instead of figuring out a way to improve her love life. Everyone I know has struggled or has struggles in their marriages, but we do our best to make love prevail. We loved enough to marry. If we chose wrong and didn’t listen to the Lord, we better not choose a romance novel as our reason/excuse to escape a marriage or to enhance the negatives against the one we chose. JMO.