When I held my first baby in my arms, looked in his shriveled red face and felt his tiny fingers wrap around mine, I cried with joy (and probably with wacko pregnancy hormones too!). Even though I trembled with nervousness when I placed his swaddled body in the car seat for the trip home, I was excited for the new adventure that lay ahead.
Five children and eighteen years later, I can look back and say the adventure was definitely not what I expected. Not in the least. In fact, sometimes I wonder if I’d known then what I know now about parenting, would I have been so eager to jump into motherhood and begin the ride?
What if I’d known then that my twin daughters would be born premature, at nine weeks early weighing only three pounds each? What if I’d known that after giving birth, that my heart would be broken having to leave them in the NICU every day for an entire month?
What if I’d known that I’d experience three miscarriages, two of them resulting in having to be admitted to the hospital for DNC’s?
What if I’d realized that I would have colicky babies, sleepless nights, hundreds of diapers to change, vomit on sofas (and carpet and beds), scraped knees, sibling squabbles, snotty noses to wipe, breathing treatments to give, and hurt feelings to soothe?
What if I’d known what a challenge it was to train my children in character, what a battle it would be to teach my children how to be respectful, modest, sacrificial, polite, and giving in a world that increasingly devalues those traits?
What if I’d known I wouldn’t be able to avoid problems during the teenage years? (Yes, I was like every other naive parent, believing I’d somehow be the exception and have perfectly happy, respectful, and angelic teens). What if I’d realized I’d have a child reject me and turn away from my values?
What if I’d thought about the dangers my children would face in the world around us—the rise of cancer and other diseases, the threats of economic and political collapse, the danger from terrorists, and more. What if I’d thought about what kind of world they’ll be left with someday?
What if I’d known that I’d have a child who would need twenty-four stitches in her leg after gouging it open while climbing a tree? What if that same child got her front adult tooth knocked out while swimming? And what if that exact same child broke three bones in her hand in a youth group race, had to have surgery, and now has seven pieces of metal in her hand? (Yes, this just happened last week!)
I wouldn’t have guessed that the trusting, tender baby hand would turn into a broken, battered one. I wouldn’t have guessed that as a mom I would have to endure the pain of my children over and over again. For the rest of my life.
The x-ray of my daughter’s hand after surgery.
Before having children, if I’d had a magic mirror and had been able to look into the future, I’m not sure that I would have had the courage to become a mom.
I’ve realized that it’s a gift NOT to know the future. What we would see might make us too afraid to embrace the present. Already, it’s all too easy to spend our days worrying about what the future will bring, especially since we live in such uncertain times when calamity seems to be waiting just around the corner.
If the past has taught me anything it’s that more problems are sure to come my way. My children will get hurt. And when they hurt, my heart will break. Every. Single. Time. I’ll have to continue to develop more courage than I’d ever thought I’d need.
Instead of worrying, I want to become better at living in the present, seeing the joy in each day that I have with the five precious gifts I’ve been given. I want to make the most of the time we have together. Because the fact is, all we’re guaranteed of getting is the present moment.
“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life . . . For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Luke 12:25
Worrying won’t make future problems go away. All it has the potential to do is tarnish the treasure that we currently have.
What about you? What’s the most courageous thing you’ve had to face as a mom (or that you’ve seen your mother face)?
Jody Hedlund
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Jody. Thank you for this beautiful post. I needed this, today of all days. Thank you.
So glad it touched you, Annie! 🙂
What wise, encouraging words, Jody! I could relate to SO much of it—and I’ve been an empty nester for 6 years! But of course, once you’re done worrying about your kids (never) the grandkids come along! 🙂 It’s a privilege to have been entrusted with children. And they are worth every minute of worry and pain and frustration they ever caused.
I hadn’t really thought the pain (and worry) continues with grandchildren, Deb. But you’re SO right. They are worth every minute of it!
Your words are so true, Jody. Children (and grandchildren) bring such joy–and such potential heartache. Maybe God feels the same way about His children…
Love your comparison, Lynn! It’s always so eye-opening (and humbling) to compare our parenting to how our heavenly Father feels about us!
With 5 kids of my own (and 3 in heaven like you) I can relate to your thoughts and feelings. Maybe not all of the same situations, but my momma’s heart knows where you are coming from. I wouldn’t trade any of it for anything! Thanks for sharing. Blessings!
I watched my mother go through the ravages of Alzheimer’s. In return, I gave her all the love, respect, and kindness that she showered on me.
Would I do it again? You better believe it!
I have had many challenges/heartstring grabbing moments. The first was that both of my boys had to be on apnea monitors for the first 2 years of their lives because they were at high risk for SIDS. I am so very glad for those monitors but i cried so much during that time. I was afraid to lay them down at night. I couldn’t be more than 10 seconds away from their cribs when they were sleeping. The next biggest challenge was finding out my youngest son is autistic. He is now an amazing 23 year old who is just that….amazing…. but it was a very hard road getting here. And he amazes me every day. But so many of my days and hours were spent on my knees. They still are. With the drinking…..and i have to put them in God’s hands. I want to hold them but they are safer in His hands. I love my boys with all my heart.
My most heartbreaking time of being a Mother so far has been to see my daughter lose her baby girl just a few hours before she was born. Our sweet precious healthy looking 9lb 9oz baby was gone after carrying her for 9 months from a cord accident. To look into your daughters eyes and see the hurt that is there, knowing you can’t do anything to make it better. There’s never a day that I don’t think about my little granddaughter in heaven. It’s been 12 years now and we have survived by knowing God doesn’t make mistakes and he has a plan. It’s hard when you love hard but also rewarding.
I won’t even begin my long list of difficult times in child rearing and helping with all of my grandchildren. Suffice it to say that the beauty of life with all of these children has far outweighed some of the very difficult days that we thought we’d never survive. Thank you for sharing a beautiful testimony of motherhood.
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Beautifully written, Jody. I’m only 12 years into this parenting gig and trying to glean all that I can from those who have gone before me. I appreciated your insights and words of inspiration. We’ve been blessed with pretty healthy children so I have much to be thankful for. I will say walking with our oldest through four surgeries on his eyes to correct a pesky alignment problem was a challenge. It’s probably best that we don’t know what we don’t know when we bring these blessings into the world, right?
I loved this post. Probably the scariest thing was when my son had emergency brain surgery. The neurosurgeon said he had 0 % cancel of survival if we flew him to Children’s Mercy. He had to operate immediately. All from a fall on the playground at school. I did not cry until my son sat up on his bed in ICU 4 hours later and ate some jello. I found out later that there were people praying for him all over town that afternoon. Even people I did not know.
My constant prayer us that God will give me the wisdom to help my children grow a heart that will seek His will for their lives. My children range in age 15-22.
I loved your post.
Jody, I am cringing at your daughter’s injuries! My tough mom moments are pretty tame: two separate newborn battles with jaundice, a weird viral infection which involved a hospital stay and a spinal tap at six weeks old, pink eye for everyone, one with diarrhea that went on for two weeks, and most recently, two children vomiting simultaneously for nearly three weeks.
My toughest mom experience was when my oldest son broke his two lower arm bones, he was just two years old, and I was large and pregnant with our third. When we finally met the orthopedic surgeon a week later, we were told the ER had inadequately splinted that little arm. He said there was no earthly way those bones would still be lined up, our little guy would need surgery. By the Grace of God, the bones were still in place, simple casting fixed him up and the last cast came off just a few days before little sister was born.