For the past few days, I’ve been racking my brain for a blog topic and drawing a BLANK. So I asked two of my heroic writer friends, Courtney Walsh and Katie Gansert, for help. Katie came up with the idea for this post and the three of us compiled the below list together. Please keep in mind that we love writing and publishing and that we were laughing and only wincing a little when we brainstormed these. Thanks Courtney and Katie! Without further ado, I bring you….
From husband: “It’ll be fine. You get this crazy every time you’re on deadline.” “Honey, the internet’s not working.” “Honey, we’re out of coffee.” “Honey, we’re out of chocolate.”
From holistic doctor: “You need to give up caffeine and sugar.”
From industry experts about the type of book you write: “This sub-genre has saturated the market and sales are tanking.”
From your computer: The wheezing death gasp it makes when spontaneously crashing and swallowing your unsaved work.
From your mother and/or mother in law: “Who’s watching the kids?”
From other mothers: “Do your kids just entertain themselves all day?”
From kids: “What’s for dinner?”
From friends: “Are you sick?” (No, I’m a writer, so I often go without make up and dress in yoga pants and t-shirts.)
From a reader: “I read your book and I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but….” “I asked Amazon for a refund.” “It put me to sleep.” “Can you mail me a free book?” “This book isn’t as good as her other books.” “Predictable.” “You don’t look like your head shot.”
From a fellow author: An acceptance speech for an award you were both nominated for.
From anyone: “Were you drunk when you wrote this?”
From man at social gathering: “Do you get inspiration for the romance in your books from your husband?” (Wink Wink Chuckle Chuckle)
From your e-newsletter platform, the day you send out a newsletter: “You have 43 new unsubscribes.”
From your editor and/or agent: “You have no readership yet.” “There’s no hook here.” “I don’t understand the plot.” “These characters are unsympathetic.” “Can you cut this manuscript down by twelve thousand words?” “The Christian fiction market is tightening/shrinking/in a down-turn/dying.” “Build a platform! Platform! Platform!” “Jane Doe is the next Karen Kingsbury. You aren’t Jane Doe.” “The line you write for is closing.” “No, you cannot have your rights back.” “Thank you for your submission, but we’ve opted not to acquire your work for publication at this time.”
From independently published authors: “Indie publishing is best!”
From traditionally published authors: “Traditional publishing is best!”
From Cover Design Team: “I regret to hear that you have concerns about your book’s cover but we’ve decided to keep it as is.”
From travel agent: “By the time you pay for air fare, the hotel, the conference fee, and food, that three day writer’s conference you want to attend will end up costing you $2,000.”
From an author who writes for your publisher: “Thanks to my awesome publishing team for flying me out to meet with them, putting me up in a hotel, and welcoming me with this fabulous bouquet, chocolates, and a stuffed bear!!! It was so much fun to talk to the sales team.” (When you’ve never been invited by your publisher to do the same.)
From a new acquaintance who’s just learned that you write Christian Fiction: “Christian fiction? Oh, like Redeeming Love? That book was amazing! In fact, it was so good that I’ve never felt the need to read another Christian novel.”
Authors, what have I missed? What other things do you never want to hear?
Becky Wade
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Thanks, Becky. You gave me a good laugh today. As they say, “Been there, done that.”
🙂
Hilarious! I’m not an author but could well imagine…
Thanks for empathizing, Karen!
Haha! You pretty much hit ’em all. But I’ll contribute a few:
• From your husband (at 9:30 a.m.): “So, how many words have you written so far?”
• From neighbors: “Since you don’t work, could you (babysit my kids, serve on this committee, run this errand for me…)”
• From more “discerning” readers: “I don’t read sap.”
• From work-outside-the-home peers: “Must be nice to get to stay home. I’d give anything to have your life of leisure.”
But like you guys said, I do love my job and it is nice to work from home. Wouldn’t trade jobs with anyone I know. But still, it IS a job and sometimes a hard one.
Yes!! Yes. Yes. And yes! Thank you, Deb. These are hilarious (and true).
Great piece!!!
This is great. I’m working toward publication, but I already identify with many of these.
I might add: From people when they hear you’re an author: “Where can I buy your book? Oh…so you’re not REALLY an author.”
and: From people when they hear you write romance: “The books with the shirtless men on the cover? I don’t read those. I like LITERATURE.” “Inspirational romance? What is that?” “Oooooh…like fifty shades?” (wink, wink.)
Josee- great additions!
Yep, Josee! Well done! I’ve heard all of these.
Fun post, Becky! You and your brainstorming team pulled out some great ones!
I’ll add a couple:
“My ______ (fill in the blank relative here) writes books. Could you set him/her up with your publisher?”
“Christian romance? Isn’t that an oxymoron?”
From the sales team: “We don’t know why Wal-Mart decided not to pick your book up this time. And no, those sales were not made up online or in other retail outlets. They just disappeared.”
(Sadly those are all from painful personal experience.)
You’ve nailed it, Karen! That last one! I’m laughing ruefully with you. What can you do but laugh?
“When is your next novel releasing?” When you actually have no clue because you haven’t sold it yet. Or worse, you have a contract but it’s still in the queue and you’re unable to announce anything to anyone! And also, this is your deadline date . . . which happens to be right after you get back from vacation.
deadline + vacation = no bueno
Oh my gosh, Becky! How do all you wonderful writers keep smiling! I am not a writer but a “stay at home homeschool” mom, so I do hear some of these comments! Thank you, Courtney and Katie for the morning laugh! Blessings to you all and thank you for the wonderful stories you all share!
I can easily believe that you hear some of these, too, Caroline! Bless you! The work you’re doing is invaluable.
I keep smiling because writing is the work that the Lord has called me to do, hardships and all. I feel fortunate that He’s entrusted me with this work in this season.
I’m not an author but a reader. All I can say is, Bless you all for doing what you do.
The sacrifices you all make, so that we can keep doing what we love to do and that is to “read”.
Thank you so much for the encouragement, Janet!
Hilarious and relatable. I loved it! 😀
🙂
Hilarious! Great post! Now back to “typing” on my computer, which I have “a love relationship with” according to my hubs!
Ha! If only writing were as easy as typing! And I suspect I’m in a love relationship with my computer, too.
Oh, I so needed this today! Made me laugh out loud! My favorite from my husband as he stands just outside my office door– “Do you have a minute?”
Or the one that goes like this when you tell people you’re a writer. “Oh, that’s nice. Maybe one day you’ll get something published.”
Of better yet, when you tell someone you’re a writer. “Oh, I have this idea. Maybe you can help me write it and we’ll get rich. It’s my life story and it’s so compelling.”
And the worst. From the bookstore, “We’re so sorry but … you books have not arrived for the signing tomorrow.”
Thanks, ladies, for the laugh!
These are such good ones, Lenora!
I want to see Karen Kingsbury respond. 🙂
She’s welcome to! Karen?
….Karen? 🙂
I just hope that most of these are made up and you really don’t have to go through the angst! Blessings to all!
Thanks, Paula!
Love this: experienced many of them already as debut author. I can add one: When your mother tells you, “I prefer non-fiction.”
I’m laughing out loud, Janell, and at the same time…. OUCH!
This is so true. Painfully true.
My most recent one was from a store clerk. “What kind of books do you write?” “Amish romance.” “Oh. I’d never read one of THOSE. And I don’t read, anyway.”
And from the lawn guy one morning at 9:30. “Oh, did I wake you up?” Yeah. I had been working since 5:30. LOL!
But like Caroline said, I heard similar things when I was homeschooling my children. You just have to laugh… 🙂
Exactly, Jan! Laughter is the best medicine.
I am sorry you ever hear these things. I wish people thought before the speak and/or type. I think you are all fabulous authors and I love your works.
Thanks, Nicole!
From another unpublished author: “Ooh, Christian fiction? Maybe I’ll write that, because it would be so much easier to ‘break in’ that way!” 😋
And as far as the man asking if your husband was the inspiration for your romance plots…I was in a writing program with an elderly (80s) woman who wrote some fairly steamy romance. She told me her husband was very upset to read her work because he didn’t think she should be using their lives as fodder. Her response? “I WISH!” 😂
That’s too funny, Kerri! Thanks for stopping by the blog!
I love this!! Y’all hit so many of them!
Here’s one of my favorites: A reply to my newsletter that announced a $1.59 ebook sale on one of my full-length novels – “As much as I would love to read your books, it is not possible, they are entirely too expensive. Thank you anyway.”
$1.59? And you took the time to write me and tell me that? Sheesh!
I love reading your posts!! 🙂
Oh, Regina. Yes! A hundred times yes! That’s a definite “Thing a Writer Never Wants to Hear”.
So right on target. And I think I may have heard them all at one time or another. Except for the holistic doctor. I refuse to see anyone who might tell me to give up coffee and/or sugar/chocolate.
I just finished reading, “Keeper of the Stars”! I really enjoyed it a lot!!
Thank you, ladies for what you do and all you sacrifice/put up with to give us the romance we love and a whole lot of Jesus! Some people just need to “engage the filter”…
I’m delighted to know you enjoyed Keeper of the Stars. Thanks for telling me.
I’m not a writer but some of them made me laugh. Only because i have a good imagination what y’all must feel sometimes to hear any of those things! Keep up the good work! 😀
And from a reader and blog follower: Tell all those people to get a life and leave the poor author alone. I mean really… This was a funny and delightful blog, Becky, but most of those comments seem like people who just like to hear their own voices. Nonetheless, they made me smile. Keep writing!
Love this! And the other writers who commented! Here’s one from me- “You write picture books? That must be so easy, they’re so short.” Hah!
Some of these: Laughing
Some of the others: Crying- especially on the Christian Fiction comments.
The comment I am tired of hearing the most is “Why don’t you try Children’s Literature?” For some reason, everyone who asks me what I do seems to have an opinion on what they think I should write and that it’s magically easier to publish Children’s lit. *Cries some more* Very relatable! Thank you!
Thanks for sharing!!!
Fun read!And I love your books!