A few years ago, I was speaking at a MOPS group (Mothers of Preschoolers) in a small Midwestern town. As I learned to do from the wonderful speaker and writer Liz Curtis Higgs, I had picked out my “balcony people” in each quadrant of the room—those women who were nodding and smiling and giving me positive feedback with their body language. Speaking to just those four people would keep me encouraged, but make it appear I was speaking to the entire room. Unfortunately, just a few minutes into my talk on “Building a Lasting Marriage,” one of the middle-aged women who’d been helping check the young moms in at the door plopped down right in front of my front left quadrant “cheerleader.” And this woman was not a balcony person. With arms folded across her ample bosom, she aimed a sour glare at me. Though the young moms seemed to be engaged and enjoying my anecdotes, it seemed the more I talked, the tighter Miss Grouch’s brows knit. I finally had to just quit looking at that quadrant of the room.
When I finished speaking, I made my way to the back of the room, relieved to greet the young women at my book table and to hear that they’d really related and been blessed as I shared the things God has taught Ken and me about marriage. Finally, the crowd thinned as moms left to pick up their babies from the nursery. I began packing the remaining books into boxes. But hearing a noise, I looked up to see Miss Grouch stomping up the aisle toward me, her brows now in a full knot. She shook a pointed finger in my face and growled, “I have just one thing to say to you: I hope they recorded your talk because I have four married children who need to hear every blessed word you said!”
You could have knocked me over with a feather!
Not a grumpy face among these ladies (who were actually in my class at a writers conference, not the MOPS event in my story).
But here’s the thing: the disconnect between Miss Grouch’s demeanor and her words forever changed the way I look at my audiences when I speak…and at people in general. Now, when I’m met with a hair-singeing glare, I just assume the person wearing the glare is hanging on my every word, thinking how much their loved one desperately needs to hear the message. It has truly changed the way I approach speaking and the way I see hurting people. Mostly, it has freed me from caring too much about what others think. Because you never really know what someone is thinking until they tell you to your face!
Have you ever misread someone’s body language and been surprised to learn what they were really thinking? Has anyone ever misread your true feelings because what was on your face apparently didn’t match?
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What a great reminder, Deborah. I’ll be sure to remember this the next time I speak.
It was good for me to write down the story and remind MYSELF. 🙂
I’ve done a fair share of speaking and performing and those spur faces can suck the energy right out of you. Good advice on how to think of them, Deb.
Spur faces! I’ve never heard them called that, but it makes sense. 😉
Not only will this help me in future speaking events, but it also makes me VERY aware of how I might be perceived as a member in the audience. Thank you, Deb.
Yes, I’ve thought the same thing, Julane! I’m told I’m a “nodder” so I hope I have an encouraging face in an audience. But it’s certainly made me more aware.
Helpful. Sharing with a friend who needs this right now.
Thanks for sharing, Cara! I hope your friend finds it helpful.
That was so interesting to read your experiences when you were speaking to that group. I love Liz’s idea of finding those who are responsive and focusing on them. I needed that yesterday! : )
I heard it probably 15 years ago at an authors retreat with Liz. It has made ALL the difference!
Wonderful article, Deb. I’ve looked out on just such faces before, but mostly people recognize the courage it takes to stand up and speak and have tried to be encouraging. The spotlight is such a vulnerable place to be…even if it’s in front of a very small crowd!
So true! Sometimes the smaller crowds are more intimidating because you’re more “up close and personal” and can see every nuance of peoples’ expressions.
Unfortunately I am one of the people who seem to be frowning when I don’t smile big. I’m not frowning I just look like I am from a distance because of the lines in my face.
Oh, do I know how that is, Jan! How many times have I caught my reflection in a mirror or especially the car window when I’m loading the car and stressed about forgetting something. I’m shocked that I could look that “frowny” when I’m not feeling grumpy at all. Just deep in thought. So I hope people will give me the benefit of the doubt as I try to do the same for them!
Deb, I love this. What a beautiful reminder that only God knows what’s in the hearts of people–and we aren’t to judge! 🙂 Of course, sometimes grumpy faces reflect a grumpy personality, but I think I’ll give people the benefit of the doubt from now on!
Yep, me too! It really is amazing how differently I’ve looked at grumpy people since that day! And some people have good REASONS why they are grumpy and they need grace too!
Thank you so much for this post, Deb. I had one speaking event with a glaring woman that still makes me shudder. I found out later that was just her normal demeanor, but it sure is hard to concentrate. Thank you for this reminder.
God’s blessings and a BIG hug!
BIG hug back, Lisa! Sorry you had a grump in your audience, but glad you found out later that it wasn’t you! 😉
Beautiful. And… a reminder to wrap the grumps in prayer and hugs if they’ll let you. Kathleen ~ Lane Hill House
So true, Kathleen. I find it a fun challenge to try to get grumpy store clerks to smile. It might be a tiny bit “mean,” but I’m usually victorious! 😉
A smile is a gift you give that cannot be taken back 😀
This is funny, because I am usually the one with the ultra-serious look on her face, or even grim looking when I listen to a speaker. It’s because I’m concentrating hard, and blocking out everything else. It’s a compliment from me, when I’m paying so much attention to a speaker. If I’m absent-mindedly smiling, or looking around the room, that means you’re boring me.
Be happy you get the “grouchy” looks.
I have often found it difficult to tell if a person is lying to me. Probably because I don’t want to believe they are lying.
That’s good to hear, Nancy. I’ll remember what you said next time I have a grouchy-looking audience! 🙂
What a relief to know the frown was for her kids, and not you! I remember my grandmother always saying, “I wish so-and-so was here to hear this!”
That’s an engaged listener!
That’s funny about your grandmother, Sally! And that tends to be my reaction to many speakers. Sometimes I need to remember that with some of the messages it’s ME who needs to hear it! 😉
Great article and a good reminder that we truly don’t know a person’s situation or heart by their outward appearance.
Years ago I met a gal who has become one of my dearest friends. Upon first meeting her I thought she thought she was better than me. Her stand-offish personality just fed into my own immature insecurities. But as I got to know her I have learned she is one of the sweetest people I know. What I thought was somebody being unfriendly is someone who was shy and a little insecure herself.
Lord, help us to be more like you, to look at the heart and not the outward appearance.
I think that happens often, Ann. Thanks for sharing that story. It’s a good reminder.